#my dad genuinely believes every word of it and im not sure how to handle that

[lemonpeter]

Tempting and Teasing

Based off of this post by @im-a-goner-foryou I hope everyone enjoys 💕 this was so much fun to write

Warnings: parent/teacher relationship, age difference, mild daddy kink, smut, top Tony, bottom Peter, definitely nff

3.3K words (whoops)

————

Peter liked to be in contact with all his student’s parents.

But there were some who didn’t handle the school stuff, so he didn’t really get to know them. One of these was Tony Stark. Father of his favorite student (not that he’d admit to it.) And all he knew about the man was that he was an asshole.

But he’d never actually met him. It was just his reputation. Peter didn’t like to judge but he didn’t have reason to think any different.

Until the open house.

Apparently Morgan’s mom couldn’t attend like she typically did with these events. So there Tony was in all his glory.

He looked like the type of guy that would flirt with your wife in front of you. Snarky, acting all cool and mysterious. He wore thousand dollar sunglasses inside during the evening. That kind of guy. It was like he believed he was still the high school baddie in every teen movie.

It instantly annoyed Peter. He didn’t like phony people. And he didn’t like cocky people. And Tony Stark seemed like the best of both worlds.

Except...when he came to the classroom to talk to Peter about Morgan, he was like a completely different person.

They were alone in the room, so apparently he didn’t feel the need to put on his cool persona. He was sweet and dorky and seemed kinda like the best dad ever.

Morgan showed him around the classroom, proudly presenting her class work from the day to him.

And Tony just listened to her, encouraging her and letting her do whatever she wanted. He sat down in one of the tiny plastic chairs at the desks, clearly uncomfortable. But as soon as Morgan started talking again he was completely in tune with her and everything she was telling him.

Peter just watched in silent awe, smiling a little as he leaned against the counter. Maybe he shouldn’t have judged so quickly. Because Tony Stark was clearly just a big softie that didn’t want to be seen.

When Morgan was done with her presenting, Tony stood back up and walked over to Peter. He cleared his throat, raking a hand through his hair.

The teacher watched the action, biting his lip slightly before catching himself. That was highly inappropriate. He couldn’t help his attraction to a nice silver fox, but he could put off the swooning until later when he was home. Not in front of the man himself.

Tony caught the lip bite but didn’t comment, just smirking a little. “I just wanted to thank you for being such a good teacher to Mo. She never stops talking about you at home. She’s one of the only kids I’ve ever known to want to go to school.” He chuckled. “But I guess that’s all thanks to a wonderful teacher.”

Oh, the compliments instantly made Peter feel all warm and fuzzy, melting from the inside out as he listened. “It’s what I love to do, no need to thank me. And she’s a wonderful kid. Don’t tell the other parents, but she’s the best in the class,” he joked lightly.

A softer, more genuine laugh pulled itself from Tony and Peter could feel himself turning to mush. No, that was not how the night was supposed to go. Not at all. He couldn’t get attached.

“I think she’s pretty okay too,” Tony teased, looking down at the girl and ruffling her hair. “But again. Thank you. Don’t stop doing what you’re doing.”

“I don’t plan on it.” The teacher smiled, watching the father and daughter interact.

Tony picked Morgan up, looking back to the younger man after a moment. “Well, I’ll let you go. I’m sure you have other parents and gremlins to meet with. And I’ve gotta drop this little one off with her mom.” He grinned a little. “I hope I’ll see you again soon.”

And then, Peter could have sworn he dreamed it, the man quickly wet his bottom lip with his tongue as he looked over the teacher. Then he left with a wink and Morgan calling over his shoulder about seeing him tomorrow.

An interaction with a parent was not supposed to leave Peter weak at the knees. It was so inappropriate. He couldn’t have thoughts about Tony that were any more than how good of a dad he was.

But of course, that made Peter wonder how good of a daddy he could be as well.

God, what had he done.

———

Of course, the next day had to be the day that Tony began driving Morgan to school.

Pepper typically did it, and she would continue to, but she needed someone for that morning and Tony jumped at the opportunity to see the pretty teacher again.

He was only human, after all. Weak for pretty young men who were kind. Peter’s sweetness made Tony want to ruin him that much more.

So he drove up to the school in his high dollar car, smirking as he watched other parents gawk and mutter among themselves. He parked to take Morgan inside instead of just doing the car line. Made it sure that he would see her teacher.

He walked her to the classroom, hands tucked in his pockets as he walked.

Peter saw him instantly, breath catching in his throat. “H-hey, Mr. Stark.”

“Just call me Tony, it’s alright,” he told the young man with a slight smirk. He loved how instantly flustered Peter was. “Just wanted to make sure that Mo got where she needed to be. She tends to wander.”

The young man nodded quickly. “Of course. Everyone is just playing outside right now, you’re here a bit early. So.” He leaned down, gently taking Morgan’s bag and hanging it on her designated hook. “You, little miss, can go play with Ms. Stacy’s kids that are here so far and the couple from your class. No running, no rough play, be careful,” he told her, running down the rules quickly.

He could feel Tony’s eyes on him and it made him feel hot all over.

Morgan quickly walked to the open door that led to the playground, not even bothering to wave bye to her dad.

Tony chuckled. “I guess whatever is out there is way more interesting than her old man, huh?”

“Oh, she just loves to play. You can’t take it personally.” Peter laughed softly, brushing a hand through his hair shyly. He was suddenly worried about how he looked. Damn the effect Tony had on him.

The older man smiled a little, nodding. “I guess.”

A moment of silence passed before Peter cleared his throat. “So, uh, I guess you can go now. Since she’s settled in and all.”

“Oh, well, she wasn’t the only reason I came,” Tony said smoothly. “I also just couldn’t help myself from seeing a certain teacher again.”

Peter watched him for a moment, clearly trying to work out what he meant. He had been the valedictorian of his high school class but couldn’t figure out that Tony meant him and not another teacher. “Then I guess you’d better go...find them,” he mumbled, a little disappointed. His eyes dropped to the ground in embarrassment.

Tony snorted a laugh. “Already found him, honey.” He stepped a little closer, watching the man.

“Him? Oh!” The teacher looked back up, meeting Tony’s eyes. “So you- me? You wanted to see me?”

“Of course I did, Mr. Parker,” he teased lightly. “I’m not one to deprive myself of the beauties in life.”

The younger man’s cheeks colored. “I’m not- you’re- oh, shut up.”

Tony was a little taken aback by the comment, but laughed. “What, can’t take a compliment?”

“I don’t appreciate teasing, Mr. Stark.”

“Oh that? That isn’t teasing. That’s genuine compliments. But I can tease if you’d like me to. How much time do you have?”

Peter stared at him, cheeks pink. “Mr. Stark- this is highly-“

“You want me to back off, just tell me and I will,” Tony told him boldly. “Just say the word.”

When Peter didn’t say anything, he smirked. “That’s what I thought.” He stepped forward, moving one hand to possessively cup the other man’s cheek. “You can tell me no at any time, alright?”

Peter knew that wouldn’t be happening.

He leaned up, catching Tony in a quick and hard kiss.

The older man eagerly kissed back, using his free hand to pull the teacher flush against his body.

Peter deepened the kiss, nipping at Tony’s bottom lip until the other man parted his lips with a groan, allowing the younger man to slip his tongue inside.

By the time they broke the kiss they were both panting and half hard, clearly not ready to stop anything they were doing.

“Give me one moment,” Peter whispered with a quick kiss pressed to Tony’s lips.

He walked to and opened the door, ducking his head outside.

“Gwen,” he said quickly.

The other teacher was watching her kids closely, slowly tearing her eyes away to look at Peter. “Yes…?”

“I need you to watch my kids for a little bit. Please. It won’t-” he glanced to Tony. “Well, it probably won’t take too long.”

The woman finally focused on him, then turned her eyes to the other man. She immediately knew what was going on and gave her coworker a disapproving look. “Peter, no. You can’t do that.”

“Pleeeease, Gwen. I’ll buy you lunch if you just watch my class. Twenty minutes tops.”

Tony snorted. “You’re definitely lowballing it a bit,” he mumbled. He shut up when the teacher nudged him.

Gwen sighed heavily, but nodded. “Fine. But just this one time, okay?”

“Of course, don’t even worry.”

He slipped back into the classroom, pulling Tony with him and locking the door.

Before he knew what was going on, he was pressed to the wall and lifted into the air as he yelped. “Tony!”

The older man chuckled, hands gripping the teacher’s thighs in order to hold him up. “Yes, honey?”

“A little warning next time would be nice,” Peter breathed before pulling Tony in for a kiss.

“Ooh, next time,” he said teasingly, instantly kissing back. He pressed his hips to Peter’s, allowing the man to feel how hard he was under his dress slacks.

The younger man hummed, rocking his hips weakly from his difficult position. “Is that all for me, Mr. Stark?”

Tony chuckled against his mouth, trailing kisses from his lips down to the collar of his sweater. “All for you, sweetheart. And yours to choose what to do with.”

Peter moved his hips again, working to try and get friction to his clothed cock. “I need you to fuck me, Tony.”

“See, I knew you could have a dirty mouth on you if you wanted,” he teased, gently nipping at a spot on the man’s neck.

The young man keened, mouth falling open around a quiet moan. “That’s not even half of it, sir. Just need to feel you so badly. I’ve thought about it since I saw you last night. Since you winked at me,” he rambled.

“That’s what got you?” Tony murmured, amused. “You’re so cute. Desperate for my cock just because of a wink.”

“And you- you licked your lips. Looking at me,” Peter recalled. “God, that messed with me.”

Tony slowly set Peter down to work on getting his pants off, listening to him with a hum. “Tell me, Mr. Parker, did you get off thinking about me last night? Did my little bit of interest I showed get you all hot and bothered?”

“Y-yes, sir. I had to get off as soon as I got home.”

“Tell me how you did,” the older man murmured, pushing Peter’s pants and tight briefs off. “Tell me how you took care of yourself.”

Peter’s cheeks flushed darker. “I fingered myself first-“

“How many fingers?”

“Th-three. Had to prep myself for a bigger toy.”

Tony hummed softly, nodding as he slid his hands over the teacher’s hips. “Used a toy on yourself?”

“I did. It’s my favorite, nice and thick. Not too long,” he described. He shivered at the way that Tony touched him, leaning up for another quick kiss.

“That sounds good,” the other man murmured. “So you like thick cocks?”

Peter nodded, cheeks burning as he eyed the bulge in the man’s slacks. “I do. Do you have one for me?”

Tony chuckled, unbuckling his belt and leaving it loose around his hips. “I’ll let you decide that for yourself.”

He unbuttoned his pants and unzipped just enough, getting his cock out of his boxers until it was visible.

And oh, it was even better than Peter had hoped.

Even thicker than his favorite toy, just about as long. He couldn’t wait to feel it inside of him. Tony had a gorgeous cock.

Tony grinned a little as he watched the teacher nearly drool over just the sight of him. “Is this acceptable?”

“More than. Way more than. Please, I need that inside of me,” Peter breathed, his own cock twitching as he watched the man start to stroke himself.

“We haven’t even prepped you yet, honey. I wouldn’t want to hurt you.”

“Hurt me, Tony, fuck! I just need you,” he whined, hips bucking weakly into the air. “I’ll be fine.”

“Telling me to hurt you,” Tony mused. “That’s dangerous. Dangerous thing to tell me to do.”

“I want it so bad. Please hurt me,” Peter begged, chest rising and falling quickly with each heavy breath. He was so ready for Tony, no matter the discomfort he’d feel later.

The older man chuckled softly, picking Peter up again and pressing his back against the board. “Your wish is my command, honey.”

The teacher marveled at his strength as he used just one arm to hold him up. Then Tony used his free hand to guide his cock to Peter’s hole, pausing after a moment.

Wordlessly, he reached into his back pocket and grabbed a packet of lube that he quickly tore open and drizzled over his cock. “Almost forgot,” he murmured. “Although we both would have remembered quickly.”

Peter stared at him in disbelief for a moment before laughing. “You came prepared. You counted on this happening.”

“I did,” Tony confirmed. “I saw the way you looked at me yesterday. And...well, I was hoping you’d feel the same way as I did.” He grinned. “I just can’t wait sometimes.”

“Obviously.” The teacher laughed softly, hands feeling over the other man’s clothed arms and gripping gently to keep himself steady. And just feeling Tony up was nice too. Blame it on practicality and the sexy muscles he felt were just a bonus. Right. “Are we ready now?”

Tony slid the tip of his cock against Peter’s hole, feeling the tight muscle clench at the movement. “Relax,” he said gently. “Don’t want this to hurt you. Just relax.”

Peter nodded slowly, eyes staying on the man as he wrapped his legs around his waist. “I’m relaxed. Don’t stop, keep going. Please.”

He gasped when the head of Tony’s cock pushed in, the stretch burning slightly but nothing more than he could handle. “Fuck. Yeah, that’s it. Keep going, Tony!”

The older man smiled as he watched him, slowly pressing in until his balls were flush against the teacher’s ass. “Still feeling good?”

Peter’s high moan told him what words couldn’t. The sound told him to keep going. And so did the man’s fingers gently digging into his shoulders out of pleasure. Apparently the lack of preparation only affected him but so much.

So he started moving, hips thrusting forward at an even pace that quickly sped up.

Peter dropped his head back, eyes slipped shut as he groaned in obvious bliss.

The sight of his pale, unblemished neck was welcoming and Tony quickly attached his lips to a spot.

He kissed over the smooth skin at first, gentle in contrast to his harsh thrusts. But then he bit down, just hard enough that he knew there would be bruising later on.

He continued the cycle, kissing sweetly before biting or sucking marks into the teacher’s perfect skin. Peter’s skin had a garden of blooming bruises over his entire neck, more reds and purples showing than the creamy white it originally was.

Each mark pulled a new sound from him, pleasure he didn’t know was possible surging through his body at every dueling sensation.

Tony eventually just rested his lips in the junction of Peter’s shoulder, where his sweater had slipped slightly in their frantic activities. His hips kept up their bruising pace, fucking into the teacher quickly as they both felt their highs approaching.

“Tony,” Peter gasped out, opening his eyes once again to look at the other man. He clenched down hard around the cock inside of him, moaning louder. “Oh fuck, I’m gonna cum. Tony, I’m gonna cum,” he whimpered, breathing hard as his high rapidly got closer.

The only friction to his cock had been the way it had slapped against his stomach with every thrust Tony gave but that combined with the brutal fucking he was on the receiving end of was more than enough to get him to the edge. He felt his balls tightening with every continued movement and he knew it wouldn’t be much longer.

Tony nodded, weakly sucking one more mark onto his neck. “I’m close too,” he murmured, hips not faltering in their actions. “Cum for me, baby, come on. I know you need to, cum for daddy.”

Hearing Tony call himself that name was the last thing Peter needed to send him over the edge.

He cried out as his orgasm hit him, tears leaking from the corners of his eyes at the sheer intensity.

His cock jerked before spurting long ropes of cum in between his and Tony’s bodies. He was vaguely aware that they’d need to clean up but was too lost in his high to truly focus on it.

Tony wasn’t far behind him, thrusts finally stilling as he came. He held Peter close, pressed firmly against the other man as he spilled deep into him.

They came down from their highs together, holding each other more gently than before and working on evening out their breathing.

Peter was the first to speak, words coming out in between soft kisses he pressed to Tony’s jaw. “So this...uh...were you thinking this was like...a one time thing?”

Tony laughed softly, unable to help himself. He was still high on the feeling of everything going on that the event of it never happening again didn’t even occur to him. “No. This was...was way too good to just be once. If that’s alright with you.”

He slowly set the teacher down, softening cock slipping out of him. He grabbed a tissue from Peter’s desk and quickly cleaned himself up and got tucked away in his pants. Then he focused on cleaning up Peter.

As he worked, Peter talked. “I think this was...yes. Amazing.” He laughed a little. “But maybe...not here next time. Maybe my place? Somewhere I won’t get fired?”

Tony chuckled, gently dressing Peter again and nodding. “Somewhere else would be good. Your place, my place. Somewhere,” he agreed.

“Oh, good.”

They managed to get themselves mostly presentable just in time for the starting bell to ring.

Peter unlocked his door and let his students in, whispering a quick thank you to Gwen.

Tony left the building after kissing the teacher quickly, leaving him swooning and giggling. He was put together and smooth, like nothing at all had happened. The only indicator that something happened was the smug smirk on his face.

Peter on the other hand...the teacher looked like he’d been attacked by something. Where he was normally put together and perfect, he was a wreck. Curls wild and sticking up, bruises forming all over his neck, sore and limping, sweater still suspiciously stained (not that the kids would notice.)

But he was thrilled and had a huge smile on his face that wouldn’t leave.

And a certain parent’s number added to a new contact in his phone.

[askpresidentsoot]

you don’t need to take a break to listen to the universe. she’s singing for you in every little ray of sunshine. she loves you. with every fallen leaf and drop of rain and speck of snow, she loves you. i can promise you that much.

we’ve talked a lot about how miserable the future could be, but we haven’t talked about how beautiful the world and present are as well. that’s our bad. it’ll be okay. what you’ve made is beautiful, wilbur. the people around you are beautiful, and you’ve got a beautiful soul inside you.

honestly, you say those bad things we’ve seen as a possibility won’t happen, and i believe you. i believe in you. i think you can do it. i���m proud of you, and how far you’ve come, and how you deal with all of this knowledge we’re giving you.

remember to keep your strength up. i know you say you skip meals and sleep sometimes - im not telling you to stop, because you won’t. but maybe at least get a snack or a nap in there sometimes when you can. it’ll help clear your head and you can make better decisions that way. it’s just a physiological fact.

and also remember that while we love you, so do tommy, and tubbo, and niki, and all the rest of the citizens you care for. phil loves you, and so does techno, in his own weird little way. trust me on this one thing, i’ve seen you guys before.

and one last thing - you don’t have to. but i think you should get a cat. they’re a low maintenance pet that all of l’manberg would love, and you’d have a cat. how cool is that? :D you could even have the country name them, or ask us for help with names.

take care. i’ll stay in contact, just felt like sending a longer message this time.

may your days be filled with sunshine,

a tale-teller

...huh.

i- thank you. genuinely. i don't... really know how to respond, but i do appreciate your words.

i mean, i know that. of course i know they- care about me. i built l'manberg for them, and it's thriving. phil's my dad, so he's kind of obligated to care about me, it's part of the job. and techno does get kind of vaguely concerned about me sometimes, which can be nice.

i've thought about officially adopting one of the strays who hang around. they probably just follow me around because i feed them, but a cat could be nice. i just... can i be real a second? for just a millisecond? let down my guard and tell the people how i feel a second?

i'm not sure i should have a pet at all, or that i could take care of it. i mean... some days i can barely take care of myself, and what if the cat gets hurt somehow?

not that any of that affects my ability to lead! i'm perfectly capable of being president, of course, and i'm handling myself fine. it's just- hypothetical, that's all!

... that's all.

[inthedayswhenlandswerefew]

But You Can Never Leave [Chapter 9: Follow The Rules]

Hi y’all, I hope you are all doing well 💜

Chapter summary: Veronica has some questions, Roger has a plan, John has a short temper. 

This series is a work of fiction, and is (very) loosely inspired by real people and events. Absolutely no offense is meant to actual Queen or their families.

Song inspiration: Hotel California by The Eagles.

Chapter warnings: Language, medical stuff, pregnancy.

Chapter list (and all my writing) available HERE

Taglist: @queen-turtle-boiii​ @loveandbeloved29​ @killer-queen-xo​ @maggieroseevans​ @imnotvibingveryguccimrstark​ @im-an-adult-ish​ @queenlover05​ @someforeigntragedy​ @imtheinvisiblequeen​ @joemazzmatazz​ @seven-seas-of-ham-on-rhye​ @namelesslosers​ @inthegardensofourminds​ @deacyblues​ @youngpastafanmug​ @sleepretreat​ @hardyshoe​ @bramblesforbreakfast​ @sevenseasofcats​ @tensecondvacation​ @bookandband​ @queen-crue​ @jennyggggrrr​ @madeinheavxn​ @whatgoeson-itslate​ @brianssixpence​ @simonedk​ @herewegoagainniall​ @stardust-killer-queen​

Please yell at me if I forget to tag you! :)

At the wedding, Roger is wearing a cast on his right arm and a dazzling smile...and a white suit that he looks criminally good in.

John is in black, Brian in blue, Freddie in maroon-colored velvet and heavy eyeliner. Veronica’s dress is high-waisted and falls in huge, billowing, shapeless ruffles to hide her silhouette. Her family knows, of course—it’s written all over the tense, grim lines of their mouths and the blades their pale eyes hurl at John—but none of those strict Catholics are going to mention an out-of-wedlock pregnancy in God’s house, nor at the modest reception in the church basement that follows the ceremony.

Veronica’s mother and aunts and sisters are just like her, docile and milky-skinned and small-boned, and you’ve helped them deck the vast room with enough flowers, ribbons, candles, and balloons to make everyone forget this event was thrown together in five weeks and on a shoestring budget. There’s a simple buffet with pot roast and potatoes and vegetables, a live band (some of John’s old friends from high school), and a homemade Polish honey cake baked by Veronica’s grandmother situated regally on a china serving dish. Veronica and John cycle through the tables of guests, smiling and nodding and thanking them for coming, dutifully and yet also seemingly genuinely cheerful.

“The boning is bloody impaling me,” Chrissie murmurs as she tugs at the bodice of her gown. It’s satin and a muted pink, just like yours and Mary’s and Veronica’s sisters’. “If I happen die, wrap me in one of those nice tablecloths I paid for and throw me in a ditch somewhere, will you love?”

“You got it.” You stab a piece of potato with your fork. “This should inspire you to be especially compassionate towards your own bridesmaids! Maybe no horrid shiny green.”

Brian chuckles. “Good luck with that.”

“Are you comfortable?!” Chrissie asks Mary, exasperated, fanning herself with a wedding program.

“I am,” Mary admits cautiously. “But...well...at the moment, I think my dress is a bit...roomier.”

Chrissie moans, dropping her face into her hands. “I always gain when the students go home for summer. My routine is wrecked, all I want to do is read Glamour magazines and listen to records, it’s too damn hot to go walking...and I adore ice cream.”

“I like you just fine,” Brian reassures her.

Freddie snickers as he taps his cigarette against an ashtray. “Yes, we’re all well aware of your anatomical preferences, Bri.”

Chrissie rolls her eyes. “Please do not elaborate.” She’s not offended—she’s far too used to Freddie’s shenanigans to be offended—but she’ll be embarrassed if he makes a scene at a wedding.

“Darling, I don’t care what anyone tries to tell you, plenty of men love a little extra meat on the bones. Particularly the ass bones.”

“We’re in God’s house!” you scold him in a hiss. “You’re going to give Great Aunt Zofia over there an aneurysm if she hears you!”

Roger quips: “Great Aunt Zofia stole the last kielbasa right out of my disabled, ineffectual  grasp, so fuck her.”

You all burst into shocked, uncontrollable laughter. Great Aunt Zofia squints judgmentally at the commotion from several tables away, gnawing on her kielbasa; she’s been glaring at John and Veronica—the Tetzlaffs’ very own fallen angel—since she first ambled into the church. Roger rocks back in his chair, smoking with his unbroken left arm, smirking cockily and basking in the distraction from the real world that the wedding has gifted you all tonight. He catches you watching him—marveling at him, truthfully—and winks.

John appears and rests his hands on the back of your chair. “What’s so amusing? I swear, I leave you people alone for two hours and you’re having all sorts of fun without me, I won’t stand for it!”

“It was a lovely ceremony,” you tell him. “I’d forgotten how beautiful Catholic weddings are, all the music and ambiance.”

“And from what I saw, you knew most of the words.”

“We have a lot of Irish people in Boston. Saint Patrick’s Day is bigger than Christmas.”

John points at Roger’s cast. “It’s not paining you too much, is it?”

Roger holds his Dark ‘n Stormy aloft, and ice clinks in the misted glass. “Enough of these, and I can’t feel anything. Numb to the world’s many disappointments. I highly recommend it.”

“Noted,” John replies. Roger has pills for his arm, but they only take the edge off. You don’t know that because he’s told you; Roger never tells you that he’s hurting, that he’s frustrated, that he’s afraid. He wears grins and flippant humor like a second skin, shrouding his wounds—both physical and disembodied, old and new—in darkness. Still...you can see all those words he doesn’t say swimming in the depths of his eyes. “I think I’ll hunt down a Manhattan myself.”

“Dad made an impression!” you tell John enthusiastically. “I’ll have to let him know, he’ll be overjoyed.”

“He mixes a good one, that’s for sure. I doubt Cousin Bartosz will be able to compare.” He casts a glance at a perplexed-looking, flame-haired teenager manning a tiny wet bar.

“Booze won’t help you heal,” Freddie informs Roger, checking his reflection in Mary’s makeup compact and fluffing his lustrous hair. “Eat your vegetables. Get more sleep. When do you start physical therapy, again?” Then, to you: “Darling, when does Roger start his therapy?”

Roger sighs. “I’ve got it handled, Fred.”

“Dear, don’t have a fit, I just want to make sure you’ll be ready—”

“I’ve got it handled,” Roger repeats, his tone a warning.

Brian breaks the tension with a toast, his Vesper jangling against Roger’s Dark ‘n Stormy. “I’m thrilled, honestly. Now I’m not the only one who’s ruined a tour.”

Roger grimaces. “Thanks, Bri.”

“Yes, let’s all have a turn,” Freddie mutters, sipping champagne. “Deaky can electrocute himself while fiddling with his amp, and then I’ll...what? Have my foot chewed off by an alligator in New Orleans? Get gored by a wild boar outside Atlanta? It just can’t be a boring maiming, that’s my only request.”

“Alaska has grizzlies, huge ones,” Brian suggests.

“Darling, in what dimension would my luxurious self ever end up in fucking Alaska?”

You shake your head, frowning down into your wine glass. It’s June now, the dead center of a crestfallen year: the rest of the Sheer Heart Attack Tour is cancelled, the record company is furious, and the band is broker than ever. Queen is supposed to start recording their next album—their last album, the record company insists, unless it happens to be a runaway success—in July, but you don’t know if Roger’s arm will be healed in time. None of you know that. You wonder if this really is God’s house, or at least one of his homes, sanctified piles of bricks and glass scattered across the globe; maybe you could ask Him where Queen’s future lies.

Veronica swoops in and dusts an airy kiss onto Mary’s cheek, and then Chrissie’s, and then yours. “Thank you so much,” she gushes. Her high cheekbones are flushed, her watery eyes sparkling. She’s in heaven, sinner or not. Her massive white dress swishes with every step. “We couldn’t have done it without you. And you’re next, Chris! I can’t wait.”

Chrissie smiles. She and Brian are getting married just before Christmas. “Yes, well, time will tell if we’ll be serving Christmas ham or canned beans.”

“And then Mary...” Veronica’s gaze migrates across the table. Mary’s been wearing a ring on her wedding finger since Queen returned from Japan, a simple gold band that once belonged to Freddie’s mother. “What about you, Y/N? Any plans? Then we’d all be hitched!”

Red wine spurts from your lips and you fumble for a cloth napkin. Roger doesn’t believe in marriage, and neither do you; not after only four months together, anyway. And yet...is there some part of you that can’t help but think of papers and rings when you get lost in his eyes, of promises of forever, of some way to tie yourself to him like vessels to a heart? Sure; and that’s a little wonderful, that’s a little terrifying. “Uh, uh, oh, oh no, definitely no plans whatsoever.”

“What bollocks!” Rog sneers. “Really, what’s the point if you’re not religious? Who needs a bloody piece of paper to prove they love someone?! ‘I care for you so much I need the government to know we’re together and the hassle of divorce fees to make me stay,’ what the fuck. I mean, uh, no offense John, Bri, uh...this is all well and good for you, but...ah...”

“It’s just not your scene. That’s fine, Rog,” Freddie says with a tad too much empathy. Mary doesn’t seem to notice.

“But you’ll want children at some point, won’t you?” Veronica asks you, almost pained. She’s not trying to be cruel, you realize; she genuinely can’t fathom the pinnacle of a woman’s life as anything but being a wife and mother.

“Theoretically, sure. One day. Eventually.” You titter nervously. Roger’s good arm circles your shoulders, his cigarette lofting smoke. Oh, but wouldn’t he make beautiful children? You push that thought away. It’s too soon, it’s too much, it’s not in the cards for an impoverished maybe-drummer and his girlfriend; and a girlfriend—with all the intangibility and impermanence that title entails—is all I’ll ever be. “I think I need to travel the world a bit more first.”

John sighs and pats the back of Veronica’s hand. What is that weight in his voice...impatience? Annoyance? “Ronnie, please, don’t bother her.”

Veronica sulks, scraping the old scuffed linoleum floor with her pointy white heels. “I wasn’t trying to bother anyone...”

Mary comes to the rescue: “No, of course not. You didn’t, dear.” She likes Veronica more than Chrissie does. Isn’t she oppressively vapid? Chrissie has asked you more than once. Isn’t she so miserably naïve? Veronica is sweet, sure, but she has no fucking idea what she’s in for. “Babies are wonderful, but they do make things harder, don’t you think? Especially for the mother. You have to be ready to drop everything for them. All your other interests and aspirations.”

“I suppose,” Veronica mumbles. You can tell she’s thinking: What other aspirations?

“But you must be so excited!” You beam up at Veronica. It’s her wedding day, and John’s; it should be happy, it should be optimistic. And you’re learning to like Veronica—less than Mary, but more than Chris—because you know that’s the best thing for John.

She instinctively rests her hand on the swell of her belly; or, rather, where it must be somewhere beneath all those heaps of satin and tulle. Great Aunt Zofia’s glare intensifies. “I’m scared to death, to tell you the truth.”

“Why?!” Mary cries.

“I’m so afraid something will happen to him.” Veronica’s voice is soft, her blue eyes glassy. She’s certain the baby is a boy, claims she had some sort of dream about it. “There’s a lot of bad luck going around for us, isn’t there? And my mother lost four babies. Any time he stops moving, I worry constantly until my next appointment. I haven’t felt anything in days, and I just...I just...” She trails off, staring vacantly across the crowded church basement. She’s trying not to cry, you realize.

“I can try to check for you,” you offer. “If it would make you feel better.”

“Really?” Veronica sounds hopeful, but guardedly so.  

“This is embarrassing, but I carry my nurse kit almost everywhere I go now. That’s why I brought my huge blue purse even though it doesn’t match the dress. You know, you can’t be too careful...”

“Yes, who knows when someone will try something idiotic like jogging backwards down the stairs?” Freddie muses. Roger lobs a pierogi at him. Great Aunt Zofia wheezes out a disgusted huff and crosses her veiny, wrinkled arms over her sagging chest.

“I have a stethoscope,” you continue. “I can’t guarantee I’ll find a heartbeat, but I’ll give it a try if that would help.”

“Would you, Y/N?” Veronica clutches for John’s hand, and he lets her take it without any resistance; but he doesn’t seem to know how to comfort her. He has the same dazed look on his face that he has a lot these days, the same look that Bri and Freddie sometimes get: like they’re on autopilot, like they’re actively filtering through brainwaves to fish out any that wander astray. Roger lands a kiss on your bare shoulder and pitches you a playful smirk, his I’m so proud of my too-fucking-smart girlfriend smirk.  

You grab your purse from beneath the table. “Does God’s house have a cozy private spot somewhere?”

Veronica leads you, Mary, and Chrissie to a small unoccupied room that is used (how pertinently) as the church nursery. The pink wallpaper is dotted with waddling ducklings, cloud-shaped sheep leaping over fences, smiling suns and winged cartoonish angels. Veronica settles into a faded blue couch, and Mary and Chris help her shove aside the massive plumes of her wedding dress to reveal the plain shift she’s wearing underneath. She’s over five months along now, and her entirely unremarkable bump seems colossal on her delicate frame.

You pop the headset into your ears and press the chestpiece against Veronica’s unyielding belly, gliding it over the pearly shift as you try different positions.

“Anything?” Mary asks anxiously.

“It’s not bloody instant, Mary!” Chrissie snaps. “Be quiet so she can listen.”

“No need to be cranky—”

“You can’t find a heartbeat, can you?” Veronica says, her voice quivering. “Oh god...”

“Found it,” you announce. You hold the chestpiece in place as you yank the headset off and pass it to Veronica.

She gapes at you. “You’re just saying that so I’ll stop worrying, aren’t you?”

“Hear for yourself.”

Veronica takes the headset and listens, closing her eyes as the rapid-fire and rhythmic swishing of her child’s heartbeat floods through her ears. “Oh,” she breathes, beaming. “There he is.”

“That’s incredible!” Mary trills. “Can I hear too, Veronica? Whenever you’re finished...”

Mary listens, and Chrissie does too, and then you all help touch up Veronica’s hair and makeup before you head back to the reception. The cake is due to be cut in twelve minutes. As you smooth the short train on her dress, Veronica turns back to you.

“Do you think I’m a bad person?” she asks timidly, hugging her belly. “You know...for this.”

“That’s something I’ve always liked about nursing. So many jobs require sorting out who’s right and wrong, casting judgment, assigning punishment. There’s no weighing of the moral scales in medicine. It doesn’t matter if a patient is trustworthy, deceitful, good, bad, worthy, undeserving, if they disappoint you, if they’re the ones who hurt themselves. You treat everyone, you heal everyone. And I would like to keep that part of myself for as long as I can.” You smile at Veronica. “But, for the record, no. I don’t think you’re a bad person at all.”

She sighs in relief, untethering an anchor she hadn’t even known she’d been dragging around by her throat. “Thank you,” she whispers, tears snaking down her powdered ivory cheeks.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Come on.”

“How do you feel about marble lion statues? You know, the ones at the end of long, winding driveways. Rich people’s driveways. Mansion driveways. Or do you prefer gargoyles?”

“Roger.”

He groans, grins, presses his right fist into your palm. You measure the force with your mind, with your muscle memory. He’s stronger than he was yesterday, the day before, last week. “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” Rog teases. “You’ve got a soft spot for damaged people. Helpless people. That’s why you warmed to Brian so quickly. He was lying there all gaunt and jaundiced and terrified, and you just couldn’t resist, you just had to make sure all his wildest dreams came true.”

“I have a soft spot for self-destructive musicians who end up in hospitals, evidently.” Your gaze cruises over the scar on Roger’s forearm where the surgeons popped his bones back into place, stabilized them, stitched the ragged gore closed. You hate looking at it; you hate reminders of how mortal Roger really is.

“I want lions,” Rog decides. “For the driveway of our eventual mansion. I like the Leo connection.”

“And the Queen crest connection.”

His grin widens, toothy and radiant. “See, I knew you were the love of my life.”

“Come on. Again.”

He winces this time. “Doesn’t hurt a bit.”

“Uh huh. I bet.” You’ve slathered his fresh blisters with numbing antiseptic ointment, iced his arm, administered pain medicine, allowed him the constant sips of alcohol necessary for him to work, to drum, to sleep. But he still hurts. You imagine he hurts all the fucking time.

It’s August now, and Queen is recording their fourth album at Rockfield Farm. You and Roger are sitting by the pool as Freddie splashes around in the clear chlorine-smelling water trying to get John’s attention. John, meanwhile, is lounging on an inflatable raft, wearing black sunglasses and most likely asleep. Brian circles the pool snapping photos with your Canon F-1.

“I have a plan,” Roger informs you as he starts his stretches without prompting. He knows the drill, even if he likes to be difficult about it.

“By all means, enlighten me.”

“Fred’s thing, the weird one. It has a name now.”

“Does it?”

“Yeah. Bohemian Rhapsody.”

“Oh, it’s perfect!” You try to stay out of the band’s business decisions as much as possible; it’s not your expertise, and it’s not your place, and there are already a few too many creative chefs in that kitchen. Still, you love when they share their magic with you. “Eccentric, whimsical, exhilarating. Just like the song. Just like Queen.”

“I’m so glad you approve. We’re going to make sure it’s the first single off the album. And I know exactly what song’s going to be on the B-side. Freddie and Bri don’t know yet, but I do.”

“Sounds like they’re going to murder you when they find out.”

“I’ll convince them.” His grin is crafty, daring. “Picture it: you’ve just finished the incomparable experience that is Bohemian Rhapsody. You’re a newly converted Queen enthusiast. What could possibly come next? You flip the record over. And the virile, screeching, pure rock and roll passion of I’m In Love With My Car is there to greet you.”

“Oh my god, Roger.” You shake your head in mock mourning. “They actually are going to murder you.”

“Listen, love, BoRhap is going to be a hit. I can feel it.”

“Sure,” you agree lukewarmly. You want to be supportive, you really do. But disappointment stings more than resignation.

“It will be,” Roger maintains, unmovable. “And it’ll sell mountains and mountains of singles...and with my song on the B-side, I’ll get half the royalties. Which means we’ll get half the royalties.”

“Which is how we end up with the hypothetical mansion.”

“I’m being serious.” Roger picks up his mini barbell weights from the water-splattered concrete and begins his bicep curls, flinching each time he lifts his right fist.

“Rog—”

“I’m fine,” he insists. “I’m going to make this happen. I’m going to get rich so I can provide for my family. You know about that, you know it’s on my list. And my family includes you now.”

“I don’t need a mansion, Roger.” I just need you. You stare at his right arm worriedly. “Are you sure—?”

“I’m fine!” he shouts, and you recoil. Brian peers over from where he’s taking pictures of blooming purple foxgloves. Instantly, Roger regrets it. “I’m sorry,” he says, setting down the barbells and cradling your face with his rough, bandaged hands. “I have to be fine, you know? I don’t have a choice. If I can’t play, I can’t be in the band. If I leave, John will leave too, and that’ll be the end of everything. Or worse, John will break the pact and stay and they’ll find a new drummer and forget all about me. Sail off into some blissful new future. And where will I be? Moping as I drag myself back to dental school? Becoming a freaking lab biologist? Resigning myself to being some excruciatingly ordinary bloke, someone who climbed just far enough out of Cornwall to know everything he’s missing out on?”

You try to imagine who Roger would be without the band, but you can’t. You’ve never known a pre-Queen Roger. “No,” you say, amused. “You’ll never be just some ordinary bloke. You’re too brilliant, too determined. Even if you do have a dodgy arm.”

He kisses you, and you can feel his lips curling into a smile beneath yours. “So you’ll let me buy you a mansion.”

“If you get I’m In Love With My Car on the B-side, and BoRhap is a hit, and Freddie and Bri don’t smother you with a pillow in your sleep...yes, you can buy me a mansion. Buy us a mansion.”

He winks, his sapphire eyes glinting in the late-summer sunlight. “Watch out, baby. I get everything I want eventually.”

~~~~~~~~~~

“It’s done,” John tells the others as he passes out copies of his new song, the second he’s ever written. There are only four sheets of crisp white paper; as you watch from the studio couch, you wonder what the song is about, why he didn’t mention it to you.

“It’s done?!” Brian yelps. “What do you mean, it’s done?! Nothing’s ever done after the first pass! That’s how it works, that’s how it always works, someone suggests something and then we all dice it and slice it and flip it around and stitch it back together like the world’s most maniacal surgeons, and then, only then, maybe, it’s done.”

You glance up from where you’re sewing an eleventh patch onto Roger’s jeans. “Must we disparage the medical profession?”

“Sorry, love,” Roger tosses to you with a laugh.                          

“It’s done,” John repeats.

“Deaky, darling,” Freddie ventures gently. “We should endeavor to keep our minds open to collaboration—”

“Oh, should we, Fred?!” Bri exclaims. “How extraordinary, you never seem to encourage collaboration when it’s your song on the cutting floor!”

“Okay space boy, you listen here—”

“‘I’m happy at home’?!” Roger reads, revolted. “We’re not the bloody Bee Gees, Deaks!”

John explains measuredly and patiently, as if to a child: “That’s the way it goes. We record it as it is or not at all.”

“That’s not how we do things,” Brian mutters, deep frown lines chiseled through his face as he scans the lyrics.

“Then just fill the album with your and Fred’s songs like you always do, I’m sure that’ll keep me and Roger loyal.”

Brian glares at John. John stares back stoically, his eyes like steel. Brian looks to Roger for support; Roger lights a cigarette and pretends not to notice.

“Darling, please, you’re not being reasonable!” Freddie pleads.

“I need it.” John turns to Roger now. “I need it to stay the way it is.”

Rog just watches him for a while, exhales smoke, shrugs. “Okay,” he says at last.

“Okay?!” Brian howls. “What do you mean, okay?!”

“He said he needs it,” Roger replies simply.

Bri throws his hands into the air. “Bleeding christ! ‘He needs it.’ What rubbish! Do something, Fred!”

“Oh relax, darling.” Freddie sashays to the microphone and points to Brian’s Red Special. “Let’s try it out.”

“But—!”

Roger claps Brian on the back as he trots by him towards the drum kit. “Come on, Bri. Big smiles. Just picture the nice shiny pounds from all those album sales plinking into your bank account. You’ll have fifty Christmas hams at the wedding, one for every guest.”

You listen passively from the couch as they rehearse, trying not to let on that you’re paying attention, trying not to overstep. But you can’t help being struck by the lyrics, feeling the somberness of Freddie’s voice and John’s tentative notes on the electric piano slink into your bones; because it sounds so familiar, because it echoes so many things that John has told you.

When Queen takes a mid-afternoon break and John slips into the kitchen for a Coke, you follow him.

“Hey John?”

“Yeah.” He rests his hands on the dining room table. They’re sturdy and unmarred and completely unlike Roger’s; and you aren’t sure why you notice this, but you do.

“I completely understand if I’m being intrusive, and if I am please just tell me to shut up and I will.”

He chuckles. “You’re never intrusive. Go ahead.”

“I was just wondering...who is You’re My Best Friend about?”

Now his smile evaporates. “No one in particular,” he says briskly. “It’s just a song. Just something to put on the album. Maybe a single one day. A soulless royalties grab.”

That seems unlikely. “Really?”

“Yeah.” He takes a swig of Coke, peers down at the table, traces swirls of centuries-old oak with his fingertips.

“It’s just...you know...well...it kind of sounded like...maybe it was about me.”

He looks up. And for the first time, John levels some of his infamous, razored words at you: “Don’t be such a fucking narcissist.”

~~~~~~~~~~

Two days later, John doesn’t apologize. But he smiles at you over tea, offers to clean off the fingerprints of strawberry jelly that Roger left on the Canon, splashes you from the pool as you sunbathe beneath lapis August skies. And you agree, wordlessly and unconditionally, to forgive him. Because John is your best friend, whether or not you’re still his.

Nine weeks later, Bohemian Rhapsody is released as a single. (And, as promised, Roger ensures that I’m In Love With My Car is on the B-side.)

Twelve weeks later, Bohemian Rhapsody reaches the #1 spot on the UK Singles Chart, and remains there for over two months.

Fifteen weeks later, A Night At The Opera becomes the #1 album in the UK.

Fifteen weeks later, Queen’s future is suddenly crystal clear.

[itsbebachan]

Unfortunate Soul Chapter 7

The night was tranquil and peaceful; my thought kept on replaying my encounter with Katsuki. The anger that I could see so clearly in his eyes confused me. How could someone who swore he hated me and treated me so awful could go through a wide array of emotions for someone he did not love? Did his reaction to seeing me with Mirio mean that he truly loved me? Will he try to hurt Mirio or any other suitors that tried to get close to me? Will he try to hurt me? How could he still make me feel so small and afraid even after not seeing him for weeks? These and many other questions were running through my mind. The excitement of the day drifting me to sleep. 

The following morning greeted me with darkness—a horrible storm road in during the night which brought nothing but gloom and despair. As I made my way downstairs, I heard someone agreeing. I turned the corner into the living room and saw Bakugo.

"WHO THE HELL WAS THAT ASSWHOLE WITH IZUKU." He yelled at my father's face.

"I have no clue Katsuki, but you no longer have any claim to my son?" Blue lighting was running through my fathers' body; I was sure that he would jump Kacchan any minute.

"THE HELL I DON'T! HIS MINE, DO YOU UNDERSTAND!" Small explosions were emanating from his palms.

You could feel the tension in the air. I look over to where my brother was standing, holding my mother in this arm. My mom's face looked so scared at the scene before him. The pure and uncontrollable anger I  saw on Tenya's faces reflected that of my fathers. I ran straight for Katsuki and my dad, placing myself in danger between them. 

"STOP!" KACCHAN, YOU NEED TO STOP."

"Izuku, my boy. What are you doing? Get out of the way before you get hurt." I turn to face my father; his expression was a mixture of concern and anger.

"No, Dad. Let me handle this. I promise I'll be ok." As I look over my shoulder at Katsuki, I could see he was trying to control himself.

"I'm not sure, Zuku. If anything happens to you, I can not guaranty I won't do something that I will regret."

I nodded my head, trying to reassure him that I would be ok. "Fine, if you believe that, you can get thought to him. I guess I will just have to trust you. I won't be far." Turning to the kitchen, he made sure to look Katsuki in the eyes. "If you hurt one hair on his head, mark my words I will make you paid." He walked away with my mother and brother in tow.

Taking a deep breath, I turned to look at Katsuki. His body was so rigid; I was sure that he would lose his temper at any moment. I could see all his emotion playing vividly on his face, seeing him in this situation once again. I wondered if he genuinely meant those horrible words he spoke to me on that fateful day. 

"Why are you here, Kacchan? I thought I made myself perfectly clear yesterday. You have no right to be here." Even though I was a ball of nerves, I kept my face calm, and I stood my ground. I was determined not to show him the effect our conversation from the previous day had on me.

"What the fucked do you think I'm doing here? I came here to demand an answer from your parents. I want to know who that guy was. Are they trying to marry you off to that extra? I swear if that is the case, I'll kill the fucker." His anger was starting to increase, and I know I had to try and deescalate the situation.

"Listen, neither my parents nor I have to give you an explanation. You choose to leave your child and me. I came to you and begged you to stay with us, and know that someone else shows interest in me, you come here demanding an answer. I'm sorry, but you lost your chance now I am asking you nicely to leave and let me be." I was so upset about the whole ordeal that I started to shack.

"Listen here, Izuku. I don't care what you think. You and that baby belong to me, and I will be damned if I let some extra take you away."

 He moved right in front of my face and tried to grab hold of me. I stepped back, getting out of his reach.

"No, Katsuki. We do not belong to you. You lost that right when you threw us away. I tried to make it work, even my parents reached out to you, but you wouldn't listen. Now I am asking you again to please leave, don't make it harder on yourself."

At hearing my last words, something in him snapped. 

"THE HELL YOU DON'T BELONG TO ME." He rushed forward, getting ready to hit me with one of his blasts. Suddenly, my father was by my side, grabbing Katsuki by the neck and pinning him to the wall.

"HOW DARE YOU TRY A LAY A FINGER ON MY SON! I SHOULD MURDER YOU RIGHT NOW!"

"GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF ME, YOU OLD BASTARD!"

"DAD, STOP!" I tried to get my father off him, but it was no use. "MOM, HELP ME!" I pleated.

My mom approached my dad while realizing his calming scent in hopes that it would bring this situation to an end. He places his hands on my dad's shoulder.

"Toshi, honey. Please put him down. Tenya, call the cops, get them here at once." He was trying so hard to stop my dad.

"WHY SHOULD I STOP, HMM! This little shit thinks he came come into my house and start demanding shit from us. We don't owe him anything.

 He gave up his rights when he gave up on our son."

"I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO ASK. THAT'S MY MATE, AND HE IS CARRYING MY KID" The explosion in Katsuki's hands was growing more prominent, and I know that at any moment, he would throw it at my father.

I pushed my dad on his side so hard that it caught him off guard, causing him to drop Bakugo just in time before he realized a massive explosion.

The shock wave was so severe that it caused those near him to fly across the room. I hit the wall with a thump. My head hurt; opening my eyes, all I could see was a haze. Aloud buzzing noise was ringing in my ears. I could no longer stand the pain. I let the numbing sense of darkness take over me.

When I regained consciousness, I was lying in a hospital bed. Out of my window, I could see the night sky. I must have been out cold for a couple of hours. I tried to remember what had happened. Sitting up on my bed, I turned on the lamp on my nightstand to find that Tenya was sitting by the window fast asleep.

"Ten. What happened? Why am I here? Is my baby alright?" I was such a wreck at that moment. He woke up with such a fright. I could see how the ordeal of the day affected him.

"Thank God your awake." He ran over to my side, sitting on the edge of the bed. 

"Mom and Dad have been so worried about you. How are you feeling?" He asked. I could sense how worried he was.

"I feel ok, I guess. But I don't remember what happened? I could feel a dull pain on the back of my head and back.

"That bastard Katsuki lost it and blasted all of you. Dad was able to use his quirk to protect mom, but you were too far away. You got caught in the shock wave and flew across the room. After you hit the wall, Katsuki tried to get to you when dad punched him in the face knocking him out until the cops came to take him away." He smiled at me while placing his hand on my stomach.

 "The doctor came in and had an ultrasound done. Everything seems to be ok with the baby. He even told us that you are three months along." He smiled at me, and I could see how happy he was.

"But how do you feel? Do I need to get the doctor?"

"I'm alright. I have some back pain, but that is about it. Do you think you can get mom and dad?" I tried to sound calmed even though I was a nervous wreck inside. 

I needed answers.

 I needed to know.

What happened to Katsuki?  

@alovelie @girl2257 @strawberry-panic @0-ddball @monkeyzz-r-ur-bff @dragon-lover-idk @iyemicomic1920 @leynly @otaku-chan-world @jawazia @im-the-villin-in-this-story @itsatomichyena @rainytears2 @nevergrowingup101 @littlelovebug98 @koyukiy @justthememes1 @koyukiy @spookygirl1994 @missbossy333 @rose-moon2002​ @lana-del-jey​ @like50breadsticks​ @creativegremlin​ @waytomanyhusbands​ @hui11282003-blog​

[blissicle]

Ok so this stems from ‘what if the sides could fuse and what would their fusions be like’ sort of thing just to give you context

Moceit fusion idea (James)

name: James (but it’s not absolute this is just what I’m using right now) ((but I do like the name))

State of fusion: they started to get really close to one another the months post putting others first. And accidentally fused (but that’s a story for another time). They started fusing at the beginning a lot to be able to experience the fusion they’ve created and also to take comfort in each other. So James uses this time to make sure he at least develops some sort of a relationship with each side

- the absolute dad

- Will make puns, some are obvious, some are very obscure and layered

- Love anything jazzy or oldies

- “deep in the meadow” lullaby sounds so much like him

- Access to Thomas’s memories (the nostalgic ones as well as sadder ones)

- Just, really feeling melonchony sometimes

- Has a soft spot for Virgil

- Cares and loves for the twins

- Very good friends with Logan

- Loves to playfully tease the others

- Occasionally starts singing along to a Disney song when in a good mood

- Good intentioned, but can be a bit too harsh at times

- Tries to push the others to be better which sometimes leads to putting too much pressure on them

- Usually very calm and graceful

- drinks “soup” in the evenings or coffee in the mornings

- He does like the sarcastic types of dad jokes

- he has a weekly spa day (self care)

- He loves his little cape thing because during the winter it’s w a r m t h.

- He absolutely loves just sitting by the fire with his cape around him in a bundle with several other blankets with some hot chocolate (me too honestly)

- His way of mischief is just annoying/embarrassing his sons constantly or just confusing them

- like the sides could be talking to Thomas about his responsibilities and James says something like:

James: “Adultry is not easy to master dear, never has been”

Virgil, questioning if James, even with Janus being a part of him, is aware of what it actually means “By adultry, you mean the process of becoming an adult... right?”

James, fully aware of what it means: “Yes of course, what else would I mean?”

- Usually good at comforting the others

- On the very rare occasions in which he loses his patience, he goes to full on feral wine aunt

- When dealing with conflict, he always tries his best, even if he has no clue what he’s supposed to do

- He says friendo instead of kiddo just because I think it’s funny

- (Get it? Because that’s what janus said when pretending to be Patton)

Now for relationships. (This is just kinda how each side reacted to james because it’s a big change for Janus and Patton to suddenly go from opposing sides to being friends, or not to mention even at the level of being close enough to fuse)

Virgil: he adores Virgil with every fiber of his being and I’m not even exaggerating. He’s just like “LOOK AT MY SON, PRIDE IS NOT THE WORD IM LOOKING FOR” 24/7 though he tries his best to hide it. He just really wants guide him and just do everything he can to help him so badly. In this essay I will-

As for Virgil, he’s sceptical. He doesn’t show pure hatred, but he doesn’t let James touch him in any way. Because as much as he loves Patton he just reminds himself that ‘Janus is still in there no matter how nice he may be to me, he’s still not to be trusted’ so there’s a potential arc about Virgil thinking all the love James gives him is just from Patton, then realise that in reality it’s both.

Roman: James is not entirely sure on how to deal with roman. On one hand, he cares for him and he feels extremely guilty for patton and janus’s actions, and the other, roman to him is just a lost and confused chess piece that needs guidance, no matter if a little part of him feels it’s justified not to. he’s still responsible for his actions, and any son of Patton’s is a son for James too.

And like virgil, roman is skeptical too at times. For a while, roman barely even spoke a word to him, with the whole Janus evil comment and Patton not defending him, he thought that’s what they saw in him and that he was a disappointment to him. It isn’t until (Oliver/James) starts complimenting his work that he starts to warm up, but this is quickly shut down once he thinks of how Janus did the same thing to him, so the compliments don’t work. Till one time he says “I’m really proud of you kiddo!” (James knew if he said friendo like normal roman wouldn’t believe him) and that’s the one that is able to reach roman. Janus might be in there, but so is Patton, and it just sounds so much like him to roman, that it just has to be patton who is the one talking. And over time he feels the compliments get more and more genuine, and so he starts to warm up to James. Not completely, but progress is still progress to James.

Remus: James can handle Remus more than Remus gives him credit for “you’re just too soft and pure to be like Janus” only when it bothers the others is when he says no. He knows dealing with him is no easy task, just as any other side. But he knows he’s gonna have to switch up his game in order to appeal to Remus.

So one day james just goes up to remus and whispers something ungodly cursed and Remus is just “oh sh*t i didn’t know you were even capable of that” and so remus has just been cool with James ever since

Logan: this probably won’t be as long as the others, but except for the puns and James’s occasional mischief that drives him insane, Logan gets along pretty well with James. Even rarely complimenting James about the historical or cytological references in one of James’s layered puns. And also james somewhat is able to keep the others from chaos, so it takes some of the weight off of Logan to make sure things don’t go absolutely insane.

That’s it for James! I may post more of my fusion ideas if this does well, so we’ll see.

Let me know if you have some suggestions or criticisms! (And especially with these rants, reblogs are always appreciated)

[zepdeans]

this is highkey like a month late (i mean wbk im a chronic scatterbrain procrastinator) and she’s thicccc but without further ado. my skam s4 thoughts.

I first just want to say a couple things: im not a muslim woc so my thoughts on s4 don’t hold as much value as those of a muslim, woc, or a muslim woc. I also don’t know to what degree sana’s representation was true to real life. I made an effort to look for posts from muslim woc on sana’s season but to no real avail, especially given it’s been two years since skam ended and a lot of blogs have deactivated, changed urls, or posts have become buried :( [if you know of any good posts regarding sana’s season please lmk!]. from what I can recall in 2017, there were mixed opinions on s4 with most being upset (or at least disappointed) with the ultimate execution of sana’s storyline and I agree w that. while s4 means so much to me and has a really special place in my heart, I do 100% acknowledge its flaws. ok!!!!!! lets get into it😤

ep1 -as much as I wished isak stayed in kollektivet I’m glad he and even had a rlly sweet happy time this entire season. also evak making their friends move all their furniture while they whisper romantic shit to each other and makeout? peak comedy -you fuckin wish!!! -sana is the one to say “of course you should tell noora about william”.. she Knew and still takes the fall for it :( -this opening clip is such a jarring shift into sana’s pov!! e.g. while easy to overlook in previous seasons, sana’s exclusion from the girls is glaringly obvious once we’re looking through her eyes -adding onto that! sana is the friend who notices everyone else- she’s so observant, which hurts even more when you notice her friends don’t do the same (except mayhaps chris- in my heart of hearts I know chris is also the friend who notices and goes unnoticed, but unfortunately we don’t get enough of her and sana’s relationship this season to fully see that) -yousef and the balloon squad’s entrance.... ICONIC! also I cant believe for 2 seasons they presented those dickbag nissen 97s as the be all end all of hot amazing boys when the bakka third years were RIGHT THERE like,, the penetrators vs. balloon squad + even? no contest ma’am -also! it’s so interesting that we literally had no idea sana had a brother, or that yousef etc existed until now? it’s as if she has a whole private world at home, separate from her friends and nissen (and I think a theme of this season is those two worlds merging) -im obsessed w the yousana train scene but yousef being the only one who notices sana standing off to the side? ;-; -fy faen is such a stunning clip oh my god. when sana leaves to pray? possibly my favourite skam scene ever. it’s exquisite.  -sana is so cute and awkward squeezing thru the crowd shsdhgfhshdf I LOVE her love her -the last shot on yousef and noora... oh my GOD oh my god bc like. being that friend who never ever tells your real feelings or your crushes or is vulnerable with your friends?? and then having to listen to them talk about how good your crush would be with someone else (especially one of ur friends) while ur sitting there silently dying inside? and you don’t say anything since you can’t be vulnerable with your friends and u don’t think u stand a chance anyways so. (in the words of s3 noora. I think sana struck a nerve with the emotional unavailability! abbey r u ok) -this episode is a masterpiece and did such a phenomenal job of both introducing us to sana’s perspective while also touching on a multitude of her struggles AND establishing the themes of the season. plus the cinematography, editing, soundtrack and aesthetic...... o baby. (case in point I deadass just rewatched it after writing this)

ep2 -every shot of sana praying is beautiful (and beautifully edited!!) -sana’s room is usually messy... not smart enough to fully analyze this but I’m sure it means something  -an interesting contrast of what’s expected of her vs. of elias- I can’t speak for muslim families, but I know even in non-muslim families girls are always held to suchhh a higher standard (source: I have 2 brothers rip) -”if you find immaturity charming” hilarious bc sana actually does in fact find immaturity charming  -what’s interesting is how noora comes across in sana’s POV- kinda obnoxious, kinda ignorant, seemingly perfect (compared to how noora is portrayed in eva’s season, for example) -even is one of those ppl who uses the bill gates argument on why dropping out of school makes u richer sdfhfsjskfjfsd -sana staring down the pepsi max squad. fuck em up. -vilde adding magnus to the groupchat jfkjsjfdjfsfsdkj -isak missing eskild :’) sidenote I fucking live for isak and sana’s chats this season. they’re literally my lifeblood like.... 

ep3 -the kiss me scene god I go FERAL -“you need to pull it towards you, not push it away. okay?” yall mind if i SCREAM!! YOUSEF!!!!!!!!!! -there rlly is something about seeing sana, who in everyone else’s POV comes off as cold and harsh and stoic, just absolutely meltinggg when she talks w yousef like she doesn’t stop smiling she’s so sweet!!!! ah🥰 and yousef is 100% that guy who ppl tell “your gf is so intimidating and ruthless bro” and he’s like are y’all talking about sana??????? my baby?? my fuckin cinnamon apple????? -yousef’s lil smile watching sana peel carrots. 911 it’s me again -vilde and sana’s relationship has a really interesting dynamic bc like.. vilde says ignorant shit to sana while also genuinely looking up to her. and sana is probably the harshest to vilde within the group but it’s because she actually values their friendship a lot  -IM HURT BECAUSE YOU NEVER REPLIED TO MY MEME -sana pulling 2yr old receipts off the top of her head to defend vilde. god I stan -sana doin research taking notes..... shameful she isn’t canonically a virgo (honestly her and isak both but like-) -she’s so soft and smiley w her mamma awh... “of course he likes you, who doesn’t like you?” her mamma only knows the real, gentle, beautiful loving sana oh im CRY -even is so kind and loving and thoughtful yall mind if i....... -”you can’t escape the internet girl” foreshadowing mayhaps?

ep4 -david and ulrikke together are fucking hilarious -noora’s “you’re lucky you don’t have to think about this stuff, heartbreak and that” :/ it’s not just vilde who says ignorant things to sana! -that being said sana and noora are cute asf in the exper5 scene.. dorky noora rise (omg josefine and her yogurt in the bloopers too sjhfkjdf) -I HANDLE BALLS BETTER THAN YOU -the yousana scene is sooo gorgeous whew...... -I always cry a lil bit (ok a lot) when yousef brings up even. and sana knew too. even sweetie ily :( -sana talking about her religion is beautiful. it’s so lovely to learn about how she thinks and sees the world. -yousef’s smile watching sana leave like ur kidding right....... -“flawless since 99″ is so cringey. it’s so cringeyyy -sana uses “smh” I knew we were soulmates

ep5 -eavesdropping on ur parent/brother’s argument is peak sibling culture -when ur always paranoid but ur always right..... -sana’s green jumpsuit sign me up babey -I really really really love elias and sana’s conversation -u dont even realize how tiny sana is until she’s standing next to isak and even -not finding out why yousef avoided the fight and why he kissed noora will haunt me forever (could we not have expanded more on that instead of noorhelm.......) -the parallel of sana washing isak’s blood off her hands vs. her washing her hands during maghrib in episode 1. gotta sit down. -vilde gossiping to the pepsimax girls stings SO bad it’s just such a betrayal?:( -“the other girls seem cool, especially noora! she’s so pretty!” ok much to unpack here but: sana again comparing herself to noora (who she sees as /perfect/)... sana being written off despite putting so much effort and passion into the russ bus while noora, who has done literally nothing and at best is indifferent to russ, is the one they like the most. disgusteng -love will tear us apart.. bitch..... -sana abt to cry god I can’t -if sana is anything like me (I mean I think she is but jkjjkhsdfhfsd). looking stupid is the absolute worst so like, her sending out emails abt being bus boss when she was actually being lied to? being played? and her being “paranoid” about sara being shady, but deciding hey maybe im just being crazy? except she wasn’t she was right and she Knew!! and she’s probably thinking how dumb it was for her to get her hopes up, everything always ends badly anyways and no one actually likes her :((((((( -dont rlly know what my feelings are on the fight. im not against it bc isak does have a temper but his apparent motive always seemed weak to me?? and god I feel so bad for even

ep6 -forgot about sana getting bullied in middle school yall mind if I sob?? -sana lying and getting defensive bc it’s hard to be vulnerable, or because she hates looking stupid? or both?:( -isak looking up dandelions in his textbook just bc even put one behind his ear. I HATE this man -sana’s dad asking if she had a bad day aw :( -all the boys (and sana) wearing black but yousef wearing white.... what does it mean.............. -the carrots are back goddammit -radio station playing during this scene: “if I have to choose between the just non-muslim and the unjust muslim, without any doubt I would choose the non-muslim who is just” -ISAK’S NOSE SFFJDFJFSDKJSDF -sana’s text about chris I’m going to bawl my eyes out.           “yeah! looking forward (to going to nissen) but a bit worried. don’t know               anyone else starting there.”           (J: new friends?) “yes, at least one of them. I have german with her (chris)           and she’s very cool!” -the contrast of how blunt sana came off when we’re first introduced to her vs. how she was really just excited to make a new friend bc she was scared no one would like her :( especially knowing her past with bullying and how nervous she was to start at nissen? chris baby I LOVE YOU thank u ;-; -also sana keeping 2yr old conversations on her phone... same -sana is honestly too smart and scheming and overthinking for her own good. she has these elaborate plans that more-or-less always get ruined by her being more kind than she gives herself credit for (e.g. wanting to protect vilde in s1, clearing isak’s name in s4) -everyone in skam texts back so fast smh -chris calling sana “sonic”...... a moment please -I cannot watch the sana/evak apartment scene without thinking of the bloopers and losing it lmfaoooo.. “this is where we live. just come in” -ik it’s based off fanart but there is little I hate more than their matching outfits  -“remember you’re both geniuses!” 🥺even  -once again isak studying is uhhhh me - “you’re a good person” yall i love isak i really do. he puts his foot in his mouth pretty often and doesn’t have a great brain-to-mouth filter and he can be awkward and rambly and blunt and unsure of what to say in emotional situations but also? he’s so genuine. it’s just his honest thoughts and he says it bc he cares about sana and knows she needs to hear it!! -ᶠᵃᵉⁿ ᵉᵛᵉⁿ -sana’s inner turmoil.. thank u iman for inventing acting (ik I haven’t mentioned it much yet but god iman is SUCH a phenomenal actor I owe her my life) -LETS GO BITCHES

ep7 -sana crying silently in her room breaks my fucking heart (IMAN!!!!)  -idk how I feel about the instagram plot but sana watching as her plan falls into place and then storming up to sara... pretty bada$$ -“it’s creepy it was published but it’s more creepy we have a bus boss who talks shit about everyone” THANK YOU vilde -i love s4 isak thanks -sana and jamilla’s chat aw :~) -how awkward do yall think the walk to the bench was lmfao -what sana tells isak is SO powerful and I love it a lot -isak does actually make a good point- the other girls are like that too.  -unfortunately I have been in situations isak describes, where you want to learn more about your friend’s culture or religion because you care about them and you’re genuinely interested, but you don’t know what questions are okay to ask and you don’t want to sound rude or ignorant, so you ultimately end up asking no questions at all. but I hate that the responsibility is put on sana to constantly educate people bc I cannot imagine how exhausting that must be [[[ok so. I know there are VERY mixed opinions on the bench scene but here’s my dumbass two cents. 1- I genuinely think isak was trying to make sana feel better by attempting to relate to her and pass on advice that really helped him. however, I don’t think isak realized what sana eventually told him- that her experience wearing the hijab is a lot different than isak’s experience as a gay man. do I agree with everything isak said? nooo. do I understand why he said it? yeah. 2- it was not isak’s place to tell sana norwegians aren’t racist, or not to look for racism in questions. I think there’s some truth to ppl often just being ignorant, and he does add that there are probably a lot of racist people in Norway, but yeah. not great. 3- in conclusion I think while isak shared some meaningful advice w sana, he put his foot in his mouth too and said some stupid shit. im not trying to defend that. I will add, though: a. we actually do see some growth on isak’s part. when he and even are yelled at on the street, that’s the moment it clicks for him that oh shit, this is what sana was talking about. this is what she has to experience? and that’s why he texts noora, “in the speech for sana, you have to include how insanely strong she is. I don’t think many people understand how much bullshit she has to take” and b. isak’s (bad) advice of “not looking for the racism in things” is ultimately contrasted by yousef (a moc who lived most of his life as a muslim) suggesting instead to show people what islam really is. and that’s so much more meaningful. I think the root of a lot of the issues isak brought up- i.e. ignorance- is a general lack of education, representation, or effort by non-muslim people to seek out information themselves. so sana leading by example and showing what it means to her to be muslim is so much more powerful.]]] -𝒃𝒂𝒎!  -BEST BUDS 🥺

ep8 -haper du har plass weaving in and out of this episode until the chorus finally breaks when the los losers van shows up...... miss julie 😭 -oh my god the pictures. im a fucking MESS bc they’re not only significant to the scene and to sana but also like,, as part of our goodbye to the girls?? -the balloon squad and even :( while the timeline of them reconciling within just this week is kinda wack, seeing even back with his friends looking so happy makes my heart uwu so i’ll allow it just this once -eva’s message to vilde about her and magnus being able to trust each other w/o reading their texts... growth or irony -chris is such a phenomenal friend (and this is why I wanted more of her in s4!!) -sana’s phonecall to the girls breaks my fucking heart bc like. right off the bat she’s finally being vulnerable with them?? telling them about her fears and insecurities and struggles? typing this im gonna start crying lol but god I love her so much. she’s so brave and she put all that on the line bc all she really cares about are her friends, she loves them SO much even if (she thinks) they don’t love her back -lowkey sobbed so hard during the haper du har plass clip I almost threw up and it gave me a headache :)  -anyways this is one of my favourite skam clips and god just. the moment you hear the girls calling for sana??? I LOSE it. when sana just starts BEAMING omg🤧 the girls love sana and support her and if you fuck with sana you fuck with us!!!!!! god. cannot articulate how dear to my heart this scene is. -haper du har plass feels like the end of the episode and the party clip is kinda just tacked on but I love how happy everyone is!! they’re all drinking champagne (who taught isak how to hold things) and dancing and smilingggg 💛 -yousana rise!!!!!!!!  -ok don’t get me wrong I hate william for crashing the party but their entrance slow-mo kinda slaps.... also sana popping up in between noorhelm SENDS me

ep9 -this is the point in the season where the amount of time dedicated to noorhelm is beyond beyond beyond significantly damaging to the story. this is sana’s last episode!! instead of having them makeout in front of william’s car for 20 minutes mayhaps we could’ve had a conversation between the girls and sana, or with her brother (if they had continued the elias alcoholism plotline rip), or maybe even with jamilla or her mamma? like I don’t care at ALL about noora or william. give me anything else. ple a s e -what makes skam scenes so brilliant is their quiet moments!! julie let the scene breathe. not everything needs a tacky song playing over top. -I’ve said this abt like twenty clips now but MAGHRIB. oh my GOD. an absolute masterpiece and definitely tied for my all time favourite skam clip. can’t rlly put into words how stunning it is. & I love sana and yousef’s conversation so much. -“of course I brought food! my name is yousef!” mr. acar you’re the only man I trust

ep10 -as much as my heart yearns for 10 sana episodes I think splitting up the last episode of skam into individual POV clips for different characters was brilliant and such a poignant way to say goodbye :( -okay don’t think about what sana could’ve written in her texts to everyone or ur heart will go sicko mode -I won’t write anything abt this ep since I’ve already written too much but like.. (elias should’ve gotten a clip instead of william. pchris can stay because his clip was funny but he’s on thin fuckin ice) -kjaere sana was such a beautiful way to say goodbye to skam. so yeah. bye skam. i miss you. 

overall ➔I’m not really sure why (possibly a lethal combination of my undying love for sana bakkoush, how much I relate to her, this but my ass was crying EVERY single episode of season 4...... F ➔I’m obsessed with s4′s aesthetic. imo the best editing, soundtrack and cinematography of any season!!!! julie is so talented at making each season feel distinct- to me, sana’s season is cool, vibrant colours (aka the late-night sunset aesthetic- gabie i hear u laughing shut up), crisp electronic/pop music and rap, ethereal city nights..... also sana has the best style of any skam character it had to be said ➔sana’s growth! seeing her open up and be honest and vulnerable with the girls during that phone call. sana sending all of her friends literally the sweetest messages of how much they mean to her and how much she values their relationship. sana being the (MUCH) bigger person and making amends with sara, ingrid etc. I love her so much :’((( ➔I’ve thought a lot about what I would change in season 4 and honestly? im a mf scatterbrain and have no real, structured ideas. my biggest issue is too much noora. dream s4 would be william staying in london and noora being happy on her own (but not rly on her own bc she has the girls and kollektivet!). as :/ as I am about the noora/yousef plotline, I’m not really sure what I’d do to replace the yousana conflict in ep5. maybe involving elias, or the balloon squad and even? related to that- in lieu of all the noora/noorhelm screentime, I would so much rather have a follow-up plot to elias’s drinking problem bc it was kinda just dropped? at the very least, the william clip should’ve been elias’s. I also would've killed for more one-on-one scenes with chris (even vilde or eva!), jamilla, even, members of the balloon squad... there are so many interesting stories that could’ve been explored instead of going down the noorhelm rabbithole again. furthermore, I feel like the social media plot was a bit... weak? again I’ve tried thinking of what I would’ve done instead (while also keeping the haper du har plass clip, y’all can pry that one from my cold dead hands) to little avail. what especially threw me about this plotline is that sana did this in s2 to jamilla, fucked up, and it bit her in the ass. I know that she gets irrational when angry but from a storytelling perspective, it seems repetitive. just.. I feel like there could’ve been a more powerful plot in which sana follows the same character arc. another thing I would’ve loved to see is beyond the los losers van, an apology from the girls to sana. or even just a conversation where they tell her “hey sana, we’re sorry for not paying attention and we’re sorry for being thoughtless/ignorant.” an apology from vilde about things she’s said in the past would’ve been <3. even a gesture! the girls order pizza again but this time it’s halal, or they make an effort to learn about sana’s religion and culture. I know it’s implied through the letter they write for sana, but a final standalone scene would’ve been so nice.  ➔i’ve noticed soo many remakes do this thing where they like.. water down shitty behaviour of their characters. which like- sure. I would love for everyone to be kind and thoughtful and not as horrible as they could be but also... I think that’s the point of skam? to show that people fuck up, but that doesn’t define them as a person. no one is perfect and no one can be thoughtful and considerate and kind all the time. and often these ‘problematic’ actions are integral to the story- e.g. elias saying stupid comments to isak (related to isak’s internalized homophobia and fear of coming out to his friends), the girl squad being ignorant about what sana can eat, etc. so..... your remake is not better because it erased every horrible action every character has done. (nuance.. where r u.........) ➔despite its flaws, I will say- the good moments of season 4? ineffable. I think we sometimes forget that julie literally wrote, directed, and I believe (?) assisted w editing and soundtrack too. i cant imagine doing all that under so much pressure, trying to bring so many storylines to a conclusion whilst simultaneously creating a goodbye-season to a show she put her life into the past two years. I’m so fucking appreciative of her. and you know what? all in all julie wrote some pretty damn beautiful episodes and scenes, and you can tell she loves this show just as much as we do. ➔and honestly this is maybe one reason I’m more wary of watching remake s4′s, bc like.. this season meant SO much bc it was the last season of skam. we knew it was the last season. the final episode is more or less a love letter, a goodbye to the show. whereas w some remakes (do i have to say whomst) its  like.. that love isnt there. it’s just another season. yknow? in conclusion I miss skam so much :(

ok whew if ur reading this ur a champion but also why did you just read 5k of me rambling about how much I love sana bakkoush?? 

[acequeenking]

winters nigh and summers o’er 2/?? ( G)

A collection of one-shots centered on Hades and Persephone's relationship; stories are non-chronological but all within the same timeline. Warnings and ratings are on individual chapters since these run the gamut from G to E. Updated weekly on Thursdays. (Previous Installments here!) 

Summary: “Do you want…?” Seph bit her lips and Demeter glared into her brother, because he damn well was at the moment of truth and if he blew it so help Zeus she would hurt that man if he messed this up. Demeter wasn’t kidding about gardening Hades like a particularly caustic onion if she had to. Maybe cut off a few shoots, too – wasn’t like they wouldn’t grow back. Eventually.

Demeter eyed the train tracks as the train came a stormin’ on. She glanced back at her daughter Persephone – still sleepin’ at the stop, spread out over the damn bench like a sacrifice, hand on her belly – and gathered her courage.

The old man – her baby brother, but he’d been old forever, even when they were wrong – came down the tracks in his big ol’ train, which Demeter was sure was compensating for somethin’, but they were past the point of petty insults right now in their relationship and, given recent developments, Demeter was trying to be in a forgiving and forgetting mood.

Still, Demeter held tight to her daughter’s luggage, not so much as daring to blink as she waited for the man to slow down and stop, which he did, though he made a real wreck of it, only hitting the brakes at the very last second. It was almost miraculous Seph could sleep through it, but then Seph hadn’t had an easy time of it lately. Demeter checked her watch: 12:00 pm exact. Ain’t nothin’ more exacting to the absolute second than death, she thought. She never liked her brother much but would give him credit for that: in the underworld, the train ran on damned time. Heh, damned time; that was a good enough joke she’d tell Seph when she was in the mood for a laugh again. Was a harmless enough joke that even her good-for-almost-nothing brother might find it funny.

Hades threw the door to her daughter’s car open, and Demeter watched with cool eyes as she took him in for the first time in six months. She couldn’t even remember the last time they’d all been together without bein’ at throats before that. She’d barely seen him six months past; he’d been hidden behind her daughter’s bags and had barely said five words to her. Now exposed, she took a good look at him. He’d aged more than she’d realized, and somehow that was surprising even though she had gone and done the same; her stomach finally filled out with motherly paunch, her hair finally gone all grey. His, somehow, had gone white, a shock of snow on that ol’ patrician face of daddy’s that Hades had finally, at long last, grown into. Body-wise he was mostly the same, big on top and super skinny underneath; still as broad in the chest as he always was, with legs too long and skinny for his own good. And still way too pale; if she was as dark as the earth, he was as pale as a death cap mushroom burstin’ up from the underneath.  Hard to believe her brother and her were the same species, let alone siblings.

“Well if it isn’t Demeter Carpophoros,” he said, bowing with a hint of sarcasm dripping from his tongue. Demeter took no offense at this. He was always a little shit. “Nice to see ya, though you aren’t who I was expectin’.”

He looked beyond her, and Demeter took in all the little signs of his anxieties that she knew he wouldn’t admit to: his sleeves were rolled up, so no doubt he’d  been pacin’; he had a slight frown in his face, and she knew he wondered if this was it, Persephone packin’ up his bags and sendin’ her momma to send him home alone; his eyebrows were moving behind those contemptible sunglasses, so she knew he was ruthlessly evaluating Demeter, trying to  decide what her story was and why she was here and thus, how rude he should be. Hades thought he was intimidating, but he had forgotten Demeter knew him from the moment he was born, and ain’t nothin’ intimidatin’ about a man once you changed his diapers, even death incarnate.

“She’s here, but…You and me? We gonna have a little talk first.” She shoved him back into his damn train car and Hades let her; he knew better than most what her wrath looked like. She held out Persephone’s luggage; her girl was packin’ light this year, just a couple of bags. Not bringin’ the drink cut her baggage down a lot, and Demeter was glad of that, provided this big lug didn’t make her baby girl wanna start drinkin’ again.  “Make yourself useful, brother.”

“First time you’ve called me that in a long time,” he drawled. “This it?”

“That’s it.” He frowned, but he took her daughter’s things and slowly, reverently put them on a luggage rack. He even tied them down which Demeter supposed was a good sign that he would be responsible enough to handle a small infant on his own in the summertime. Mostly. He was still a male god, and they were almost all useless in that department. Maybe since he was so old for a first-time father, he’d be old enough he’d actually figure out how to change a diaper instead of demanding a woman do it.

“Yeah, well. Maybe you can get used to me callin’ you brother again, if you keep behavin'.” He chuckled at that and dared to shoot her a little nervous grin. Demeter could always tell the difference on him; his tell was that the nervous smile was wider than the genuine, him showin’ off just a bit too much of those mean teeth. He stood to his full height as if he was readin’ her mind and didn’t like that she knew him that well. Or at least, she had, once. He looked down at her and she looked up. She felt her old annoyance at how he got to be so damn tall, like dad; she flecked off his sunglasses, an old-ass instinct that made her smile before she’d quite realized she had done it.

“Hey…” He blinked, confused as she tucked the sunglasses into his pocket. He wasn’t used to the upper world light. Too bad. She wanted her daughter to see him god damn plain when he saw her.

And, hell, she wouldn’t deny she wanted to see his expression, too.

“Sit.” He did, spread out like a king: legs wide, hands on his knees. He looked straight at her face, deadly serious, and she took her seat on the opposite side. She would give Hades credit for one thing: the seats on this jalopy were pretty comfy. And she supposed that the style wasn’t bad, if you considered saloon-room meets funeral parlor an aesthetic.

“What’s this about, Deme?”  His old childhood nickname for her slipped out of his mouth effortlessly, and she didn’t call him on it. She’d give him that back. If they were gonna be tryin’, then she would be, too.

“Our girl.” She snorted. “What else?”  He was a part of Persephone just as much as Demeter was, no matter how much Demeter didn’t like admittin’ that. They had been married a good few millennia now, so she supposed he was bound to rub off on her little girl a bit.

“What about her? Is she okay?” His words were all sotto-voice; soft, soft, soft. She could hear the love in his voice there, and fates only know how he got it in him, that love, because Hades had been colder than stone for the first forty thousand years of his life and by all the war reports Demeter had gotten he slipped right back into that damn often, but Demeter was almost thankful for him feelin’ that love, at least right now. There were worse men her baby girl could have reproduced with, if certainly there were better men, too. Least he was reliable.

“She’s sleepin’.” “…Sleeping?” He looked at her oddly. “Thought you said she was here.”

“She is. Sleepin’ on a bench out there. Exhausted, the poor little thing. Nodded off when we got here an hour ago. Didn’t even wake up when you pulled in.” Despite what was surely his best attempt to get her attention with that terrible din and clanging.

“Sleeping? At this hour?” He looked out into the sunlight, as if he was puzzled anyone could sleep in daytime. She supposed that was a normal enough reaction if someone was a miserable old mole who spent all day every day in the dark, which he was. “She okay?”

“Physically? Right as rain, but that girl is exhausted. She been worryin’ herself six months straight about you, boy,” she said, pointing her finger at his chest; she was probably one of only three people who could get away with calling Hades that and she basked in it. “I want you to know something, Hades: my daughter wrote you one hundred and eighty-two versions of the same damn letter, only to tear each and every one of ‘em up. I been watchin’ her tear those – and herself – up for months. Months. Ain’t been fun.”

“Oh.” He frowned, slightly pensive. Which was more expressive than he usually was, with anyone but Seph.

“I didn’t save’em, I respect her privacy too much for that.” And she had promised not to tell him, even if she wanted, badly, to do so. “Well...I didn’t get any of ‘em, but...We left on good terms, Deme. Better than…years.” He smiled a bit at that, and she wanted to roll her eyes, bite back and tell him, I know, how do you think my baby girl got herself in this mess? But she couldn’t say that, because he didn’t know about that mess just yet. He was still smiling, and, on another man, it might have been cute, but on him it came off as vaguely predatory; bragging. He didn’t need to. Frankly, everybody in the damn pantheon knew they on good terms; this had been the first springtime in years. Decades, even. ‘Bout to see the first autumn, too. He didn’t need to shout to the world they’d repaired their off-key tempo, the whole world could see it. Obvious.

Demeter frowned into her seat, debating how to best give her baby brother her …expectations as to how he should react to news she couldn’t give. Persephone had made her swear a Stygian oath on not tell ’im, and Demeter wasn’t willing to get washed down to Hades’ awful shores just yet for this, even if it meant more time with her daughter. “Ain’t about yer relationship. Something more basic than that. Some…life changes. She worries about your reaction because she’s a …a little bit different, then when she left ya last winter.”

“Oh.” He looked confused at that and she supposed she couldn’t blame him, because if you fired blanks for hundreds of thousands of years, you did tend to assume your pistol wasn’t loaded. Turned out, he was just a bad shot.  A ridiculously bad shot. But that wasn’t what he thought of; she could tell what he was thinkin’ of because he was lookin’ at her real intently, and she knew he was wonderin’ if maybe his girl was startin’ to look a little less too-young for him, and a little more like her momma. To his credit, he shook his head a second later. “So what if she goes a bit grey? We’ll match.”

Ain’t no way you two ever match, Demeter thought, but kept herself from saying. Persephone would be proud of her momma’s restraint, she thought. Well, she’d let him think it was a little grey hair for a bit.

“Good. Cuz I ain’t sayin’ it’s you, but her daddy…he didn’t react too good to this kind of thing, and that’s the only frame of reference she’s got for this and she’s scared. So you better do better than your brother. You go over there and you hold her and you tell her she’s the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen. Cuz you’ve put our girl through enough, you owe her that relief.”

“I know,” he mumbled, quiet; his cheeks were a bit pink, which meant he was at least a bit sorry for almost ending the world over his stupid-ass insecurities. “I… I am trying, Deme.” He said, visibly pained with his arms out, as if she’d been holding a gun on him; honestly, only great Gaia knew how he’d ever gotten to the point of bein’ able to tell her little girl anything, let alone marryin’ him, if he was still gonna be like this.

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” She stood and he stood, too; they were done for the year. Autumn chill was in the air, and it was high time for Demeter to press some cider and for him to get along home. “Guess it’s time she goes back down to yer old abode, now.”

He nodded; Demeter stood to the side, let him go blinking into the sun, and followed closely behind. If he blew this, in any way, she would bury his ass in the backyard for a full six months and her daughter could visit him outside and water him with their ferns.  Demeter had checked with Zeus; that would technically count as allowing him his six months, long as he got to be with her.  Seph wouldn’t mind campin’ outdoors to fulfill his custody to the full letter of the law.

“Third row.” He tossed a raised eyebrow back at her – normally Seph sat up front, bright and ready —  well, she had back when he’d actually waitedinstead of just grabbin’ her soon as he got an itch, regardless of if it was June or August or gods forbid, May  – but well, he’d figure out the obvious reason in a moment. She noted his step got a bit faster, and she followed hot on his heels as he went down one row, two.

And then his breath caught. And he stopped. Demeter stopped next to him, watched him watch her little girl, all curled up with one hand over her wide, curving belly. Still looked a bit too much like a sacrifice for Demeter’s taste, but hell, that was probably a turn-on for him.

“Oh.” It was all he said, but there were thousands of emotions in it. He raised a hand, dropped it. Looked at her, blinked, looked back at Persephone. “Oh!” He said again, and Demeter had the pleasure of the King of the Dead completely, utterly shell-shocked.

Which, frankly, she savored. Wasn’t like he hadn’t pulled out the rug from under her once; they were even now.

“You see,” was all she said, quiet. She coulda bragged, but again, for Persephone, she would restrain herself. She didn’t know if they had ever talked about kids; she’d tried to talk to Persephone about it long ago, but all Persephone would say then was that they weren’t tryin’ yet in a harsh voice, and eventually one did stop asking after a few thousand years went by without a grandchild poppin’ up.  Her brothers gossiped that Hades’ takin’ on the role of the underworld’s master had dried up whatever he had stored up in his balls, but her brothers were idiots who frequently forgot there had been a god of the dead before Hades, and Iapetus had had five children during his time guardin’ the old downstairs. She thought it was probably the stress on her little girl from the constant travel, or a genuine desire from the both of ‘im to not make their frankly fucked up situation at the best of times even more so, but well — it hadn’t happened. And before this, she thought, that was probably for the best.

But now it had.

And Hades was — well, processing, because he clearly believed it would never happen later.

“Six months?!” He said at her, gesturing at her. “She couldn’t… Six months?!”

“Hundred and eighty letters, Hades,” she said, holding her hands out. “I know you might be mad, but – she's been distressed. Made me swear to not say a word, and gave Hermes such a run-around I think that old gossip is still dizzy. Come at her with venom in your mouth and you will lose her.” Truth was, Demeter understood why her daughter had been unable to tell him.

He exhaled, loud, through his mouth. Typical to Hades, he offered no indication of whether he was gonna take her advice or not.

She saw that big jaw move in an unreadable mull twice, then he closed the distance between him and their girl, falling to his knees in front of her. He ran a very shaky hand over Seph’s face, not quite daring to touch, just yet.

“You’re a little late, sunshine,” he sputtered; he stroked her face gently and Seph’s eyes opened, lookin’ like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. She stared hard at his face, like she was trying to discern some divine truth out of his stone face, and he swallowed, but otherwise kept his face as stoic as the rock he generally was.

“I missed ya,” she murmured. His voice crumbled into something that might have been a laugh or a sob in response, but Seph smiled, and she decided it must be some joke between them that Demeter wasn’t privy to. Hades leaned forward, and Demeter blinked in surprise as her baby brother planted a kiss on her daughter’s forehead. She suspected he might kiss her on the mouth if Demeter wasn’t around, but well, Demeter was kind of happy he didn’t.  Weren’t on that good of terms yet. Seph wrapped her arms around him and hung onto him with desperate zeal, eyes shut tight, and Demeter knew her little girl was still nervous, though why she had no idea because it wasn’t like the man was blind, for all the time he spent down in the mines.

“Missed you, too.” The sotto voice again; soft and sweet as Hades got, which wasn’t very but evidently was enough for her little girl. His hand was caressing her arm now, trying to get up the courage to go further down she suspected. Seph shrugged him off a bit, pushed up to a sitting position or at least attempted to; she did not miss that and Seph was larger now than she’d been right before the girl had come.  After watchin’ her struggle for a moment, Hades stumbled to help her maneuver up, to his admittedly limited credit. She expected him to get up and grab her hand, let them finish this conversation on the train in private, but — he didn’t. Instead, he just shifted a bit, moving between her legs so he could lay the side of his head on her belly.

Nobody moved for a long, long moment.

“It is yours—  Seph said, and Hades and Demeter both snorted; it was obvious it was his. Beyond obvious.

“I know. Can I…?” He asked, hand out-stretched.

“It is yours,” Seph said, her voice wavering. Demeter bit back a snort watching her brother’s face, still severe, as he pressed a curious hand to her belly, slowly rubbing little circles in the fabric of her dress as if the dress would reach out and devour his arm.

“Do you want…?” Seph bit her lips and Demeter glared into her brother, because he damn well was at the moment of truth and if he blew it so help Zeus she would hurt that man. She wasn’t kidding about gardening him like a particularly caustic onion if she had to. Maybe cut off a few shoots, too – wasn’t like they wouldn’t grow back. Eventually.

“I want, beautiful.” Hades leaned into Persephone with a soft sigh, glancing up at her. “I want.”

And her daughter’s eyes closed and that — well, it wasn’t quite the flowery language her little girl deserved, but it was enough for her. Her daughter smiled, and Demeter relaxed. She knew she should leave’em then, let them have their time, but it was a charmin’ tableau even if Hades was in it, and she couldn’t think of the last time all three of ‘em had been gathered together with anything less than bitterness between them, so she savored the moment.

And though she’d never ever tell them it, maybe her heart did melt for the old bastard just a tiny bit when her brother’s lips pressed a kiss into Seph’s belly, fondness surprisingly evident in his stern old face. “Hello there, little shoot.”

“Shoots,” her daughter said, barely audible. That had been the part Demeter was happiest about, truth be told: she had always regretted not giving Persephone a sister or two. She’d had Arion, but Arion was, well, a horse, and it was hard to cross that divide when it came to children’s’ games. At least her grandchildren would never know the loneliness of being the only child in the family.

Besides, Hera never had triplets in her line, not even in all her grandbabies, so now Demeter had something to brag about up on the mountain.

“…Shoots?” He looked up abruptly with his jaw hanging a bit open and Demeter actually did have to hide her own mouth to stop from laughing because his look was, well – dumb-founded. Persephone reached out and shut his jaw with an audible click, looking aside to her mother with a look that expressed her amusement at her husband’s idiocy.  “So…how many branches are we addin’ to the family tree?” He asked, and Demeter had to laugh, because she could see her baby brother runnin’ actuary tables in his head already as far as what his kids were gonna cost him.

“Three.” He looked at her belly again, the look starting to skirt closer to terror but not quite getting there, morphing somewhere along the way into a mix of complicated emotions, and settling on what looked like a complicated sort-of happiness — or as happy as Hades got, which was a small genuine smile with his eyes closed.

“Well…good. Our little bramble, briar and thorn won’t be lonely.”  He chuckled deep into her belly. “Ain’t like they got a lot of little cousins to play with.”

“Yes, you two well and truly did wait long enough,” Demeter huffed. “Don’t even know what’s left for them to be Gods of.”

“We’ll find somethin’.” Her brother stood, though it took him a moment, his knees cracking; he was so old, Demeter thought ruefully. They all were. Standing and looking a tiny bit more distinguished now, he held out his hand. “Do you… should you…stay? Til…” Demeter could see how much it pained him to offer her that, after six months of waitin’. He couldn’t stay up-top, not that long. Death wasn’t really allowed much of a holiday, which had been the one thing that she enjoyed about her daughter’s marriage, early on: he never could follow her everywhere, and she suspected he might have tried had he been dealt a smaller lot.

“No. I missed ya.” Her daughter got up, or at least tried; she faltered, forced already into that odd waddle that Demeter would be sorry to miss the final culmination of.  Seph was already much bigger than she should be, but Demeter blamed Hades for that.  He helped her stand — a bit late again, but faster than last time, he was learnin’ — and offered his arm. Persephone leaned into it and Demeter felt an odd pang of something – not quite gratitude, not quite sadness. Zeus had never done such for her, and a few thousand years ago — great grandmother Gaia, six months ago, she wouldn’t have thought Hades would, either.

When she’d seen him then—red rimmed eyes, mouth trembling as he held out Seph's bags in an awkward peace gesture—she hadn’t, really, imagined she ever would again.

“Besides…” Seph started and looked at her momma with an unreadable look for a moment, and Hades and Demeter both looked at her, and she could see in Hades’ face the mirror of her own: curiosity and worry crashing together.

“The children should be…born at home,” Seph murmured, in that quiet way her daughter had of saying important things in an almost flippant way.  Demeter flinched; she didn’t consider the underworld Seph’s home as much as an eternal, if temporary, inconvenience. Hades took her daughter’s declaration better: his arms closed around her and she saw his hand tremble as he embraced her, smoothin’ down her hair.  

“I’d like that,” he said softly. “Like that a lot.”

And she knew, of course, that was why Seph had said it. Tryin’ worked both ways, and makin’ their babies underworld natives meant they’d be a lot more like their daddy than their momma. Her daughter curled her hands over his shoulders and they stood together for a long moment. And Demeter thought, maybe, well, maybe she was wrong they didn’t fit together. Because while they looked fucking ridiculous — her daughter as gorgeous a sunshine child as always, Hades as dour a shadow as had ever been made — they looked happy. And maybe Demeter could let her go, just a bit; Seph knew her momma always had her back, anyway.

Demeter moved back to them, gently tapped them both on the shoulder. “You’re runnin’ late. Better get goin’.”

“I’ll be back when — when its time,” Hades said, a little quiver in his voice and she bit back a you had damn better and instead smiled, nodded.

“I’ll be here,” she said, tapping Persephone’s shoulder; her daughter turned toward her, and she pressed her lips to their girl’s forehead with the last bit of summer-time in her kiss. “Now get goin’.”

Demeter should have turned and walked back to her home, squeezed some apples into cider, but she watched them board and watch the train the whole way down the track, not turning to walk back home til the train was no longer visible, til its whistle had long stopped echoing.

The first fall leaves in a long damned time crunched under her feet the whole way back, and Demeter smiled.

Mythology notes:

The name Hades calls Persephone's momma Demeter when he first sees her, Demeter Carpophoros, was one of her surnames that was used in cult in Tegea and Paros and meaning, roughly, "fruit bearer." Hades might be showing respect, and might be not-so-subtly suggesting she produce the fruit he wants (eg Persephone).

Arion is Persephone's half-brother, Demeter's son via Poseidon according to Pseudo-Apollodorus and Pausanias. And yes, he is a horse.

The triplets are a reference to the Orphic hymns, which attribute the Erinyes/Furies as three daughters of Hades and Persephone: "[Erinyes] from Zeus Khthonios (Chthonius) [Haides] born, and Persephone, whom lovely locks adorn."

Next week's story will be goin' back, way back.

[myheartbeatskids]

Remembering the conversation with Caramel about them being forced gays...

Today, I have one thing to say about being in love:

You can choose who you fall in love with, by force. Like Leah tries to do to me.

Or you can actually fall in love.

There's a major difference.

Lets look at my previous marriage.

I wasn't in love but i liked Michael. Initially i had a serious bad feeling about getting serious with him. He was really someone i should not trusted. I knew that.

But he wore that down by allowing me to trust him. Like feeding me, buying me stuff, things like that. Plus i could stay at his house and he was never home.

So i had peace and no adult worries.

I was barely 22 and he was already in his 40s.

Then one day all his bull shit shined its light. Like how he was still married and I couldn't get on his insurance until after the baby was born.

But by then i was pregnant. I ignored every single warning sign like an idiot. Because it was easier.

Plus i had alot of pain and sickness. I was sick with inflammation, infections, auto immune diseases and even seizures.

So my priority was taking care of my and my kid's body.

Now, I know it was so that some rich douche would just paid Michael off and put me in a healthier place in the world. Just like it happened again and is currently happening.

Im not just saying that cause I know a rich douche, but i know someone who's taken care of me like my whole life and knows all my health conditions that I didn't and still dont know about.

Like, how i had a brain surgery when i was 6. Because one night at the bar, i saw my mom then started having serious seizures after that. And they had to remove a small tumor that had Since grown back. But as an adult, surgery isn't recommended unless the tumor creates other problems. Since I rarely have seizures its actually a non-issue.

Yes in the 80s, kids could go to the bar. Still can today in a more casual atmosphere such as chili's or Applebees.

We would go see the bands play at night.

And so back to non-falling-in-love...

I was taking care of our bodies, mine and my kid's. And that was the focus, for me.

Apparently my ex didn't care either way since he was cheating on me and claiming i cheated on him at work because that's one place where he was cheating.

I was crazy angry and impatient with him, though. Like if I told him what to do and he totally wasn't fast enough or acknowledging, i got crazy pissed.

He was annoying. Not my anger at him. Now i find anger at people annoying. Which is why i wait to write about people being stupid and annoying until i know there's really no other choice. It may not seem that way to many readers, but i do put up with a lot without saying anything publicly. Which is why I'm so stubbornly hard about it. And why i don't back down.

I take more time than necessary to whip someone's ass.

Because for one im not going to second guess myself later. For two, once i do it, I am not going to take responsibility nor care if im wrong. And thirdly, because I need help. Or they need help and my only solution is violence.

And my ex and my mom are those reasons why my only solution is violence, because they are violent and selfish and extremely greedy. And those are the people i complain about in my writings.

I'm not selfish nor greedy. And in my old age i have realized some people don't really deserve to live. If someone's sole focus is harming as many people as possible for no real reason, then why should they be allowed to do that?

I see and know the justice system does not work and so the only alternative to remove those people from society is death. That's my only answer.

We are all innocent till proven guilty. And we don't have to go to court for that. Facts prove guilt. Lies hide facts.

Anyways.

So i knew not to love my ex because i felt i had to. I appreciated him and took care of him. Buying food, a house, cooking dinner, cleaning.

When i was unhappy in my marriage i tried to make it better. Like having sex, initiating it and conversations and etc.

But it began to prove that he was one of those go to work and lay in bed having his dick sucked and not caring about maintaining a relationship. He wanted it to be one sided. Where i did all the work.

Well first off. I quit liking him early on the relationship when I couldn't get a break from the baby to clean because just him touching her would make her scream.

Warning sign from Hell i didn't know how to handle or what exactly it was that gave me extreme anxiety.

He wouldn't even do anything fucked up.

But I didn't understand why... I didn't realize her insight, infinite wisdom was deeper than I could have imagined.

Now i understand.

Most intellect kills natural intelligence.

Ill skip over her abuse because I don't want to go there.

I have a friend who is unhappy in her marriage and all the time she tells me. I tell her, give an honest try and see if you can be happy. It doesn't matter what he feels, id he can't make you happy then he never will. Just be open to what your relationship really is. Like is he trying but you're not noticing?

I did that with my ex. And good thing i did. Because as soon as i announced I was getting a divorce all my single friends said i was a stupid bitch. My dad said he would not take care of me and my mom acted like cunt.

Everyone turned on me. I told my friends, you like him so much, ill divorce him and you can marry him. We can still be friends.

I told my mom to burn in Hell and shut up and I told my dad i didn't need him to take care of me.

I got my divorce.

I thought I got married for love, for family.

I did. But the person i married, didn't.

He wanted a perfect 22 year old wife and he got what he wanted. But he didn't deserve it.

He gave me his entire paychecks every time, rarely ASKED for his own money, except when he needed gas or for the football pool or lotto ticket pool.

I had every single dime he made.

And it wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth him telling me my daughter whom had her own kitchen cabinet and set of dishes that she used an "adult" plate and left it and other random dishes under the couch.

Or how it was her fault that she put her sippy cup in the sink without rinsing cause he told her to put up in the sink (she had to throw it because she was so little) because he was too lazy to get up and rinse the cup.

Duh she would give it to him for a reason. Or how he would make 5 sippy cups of juice in one day instead of reusing the same cup.

Like it was all shit I could tolerate from a guest that was there like once a week at most.

Or if he just used adult sentences and explained with compassion instead of acting like a goof ball idiot that didn't care about shit.

It hurt to wash dishes. I did them everyday so they wouldn't pile up and we never used paper. Not even if we had dinner guests.

So fucking care. How hard is that?

You create a Hell of a lot more work when i have to scrape your nasty crust off a plate or have to soak and worry about a sippy cup having bacteria.

I can hear genuine in a voice.

And if you say sorry 40 times for the same thing, obviously you're not.

(I've never said sorry to you, Leah. Shut up, stupid bitch. Yeh, cool. Lie about it. Doesn't change FACTS)

And it wasn't just the dishes.

He was abusive to my kid.

He wasn't a good husband. Sure he put the dishes away the same day i told him, to. Sure he helped fold the laundry or just folded it himself.

But those are things he would had to do if he lived alone. I washed them. Switched them. One third was his. One third was mine and the other his kid's. So he was responsible for half his kids and his.

I even unloaded the top of the dishwasher when he started to become a lazy dick. And he was too scared not to unload the rest. Because I would use my adult words and explain I couldn't.

He didn't believe me but if the dishes piled up, I would refuse to wash them and so he would have to.

I did dishes everyday which was actually washing them by hand then putting them to sanitize in the dishwasher when it was full. Maybe 3 times a week.

I didn't care about his money. I cared about,the respect I got from him for my daughter and myself

And we got more money than respect, which we,got very little of.

How can someone not love themselves so much they would allow themselves not to be cared about in a proper manner?

That wasn't going to happen in my house and it wasn't going to happen to me or my kid.

I couldn't be forced into love.

Love exists between people. Or it doesn't.

There's a huge difference

Never sell yourself short.

I won't.

He rented my time but he never bought me.

I chose who not to love so I could fall in love

Not be pushed into it.

[insufferable-git]

ALL OF THEM. 1-100. GO

EM LMAO I LOVE YOU I AM TOTALLY TAKING THIS CHALLENGE AND ANSWERING ALL OF THEM SO STRAP IN THIS IS A LONG ASS POST LOL

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

Answered!

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

Definitely! They help shape you as a human being and they help you figure out what your preferences are!

3. Are you a virgin?

Yup lol, as much as people seem to make this a big deal, its just not something thats a huge deal for me.

4. Are you in a relationship?

Nope I am a single bean :)

5. Are you in love?

I dunno lol

6. Are you single this year?

Yup hahaha

7. Can you commit to one person?

I can try? But I get scared if theres too much talk about the future in the start of relationships.

8. Describe your crush

A human lol

9. Describe your perfect mate

Someone who completely accepts me and loves me for who I am

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

In some cases yes I suppose, but emotion and connection plays a much deeper role for me!

11. Do you ever want to get married?

Some day? I guess so!

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

Answered! :P

13. Do you get jealous easily?

OKAY so it depends on the situation, but I guess I can, I try not to though. 

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

I think so? Idk my brain is a jumbled up mess at the moment hahaha

15. Do you have any piercings?

I only have my ears pierced (and I’m pretty sure they closed up because I haven't worn earrings in over a year or so.

16. Do you have any tattoos?

No but I have tattoos I plan on getting eventually! (I promised my mom that I would wait a full year or even more to make sure I still want to get what I want to get) Anyways I plan on getting some constellation tattoos on my back (up towards my shoulders) because I’m a giant space nerd.

17. Do you like kissing in public?

I mean Its only okay if its not making other people uncomfortable, because thats never fun lol can you tell I’ve been the third wheel to many people in my life?

20. Do you shower every day?

I like to try to shower every day because It makes me feel better and happier!

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

Maybe? Who knows lol NOT ME BECAUSE IM OBLIVIOUS AS FUCK

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

lol I have no clue???

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

I’ve only had 1 relationship that lasted longer than 6 months (I’ve only been in 3 relationships) But I dont think I would ever want to cheat on someone.

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

UHHHHH FUTURE TALK SCARES RACHEL ALSO PROBABLY NOT??? IDK

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

I mean maybe? It would be kinda nice, although I also need to make sure I’m happy with where I’m at as a human being.

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

Yeah, a couple of my best friends and I have had that conversation with each other.

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

nope I don’t think anyone has!

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

From my knowledge, no.

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

Never.

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

I wouldn't change anything about my body, I lobe my body the way it is!

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

Oh most definitely!

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

Yeah, it aint fun lol

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

Nope lmao

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

Nope lmao

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Yup my last relationship was with someone who was two years older than me so I guess that counts?

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

lol yup

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

Answered

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

Yup lol without a doubt

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

Yeah hahaha, but not because they were in a relationship.

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

NOPE BUT I’D LIKE TO TRY ONE DAY

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

Nope lol

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

Well I only recently had my first kiss in january of last year, so I don’t think I have enough knowledge for that? Depends I guess?

43. How long was your longest relationship?

Oh boy… get ready y’all… a whole 9 months lmao

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

3 lol

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013?

NONEEEEE

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

NONE LOL

47. How old are you?

19!

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

I would try and move on, but if I couldn't move on I guess have a conversation with them about it?

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

Single bean so I don’t apply to this question!

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

Lol idk the worlds a weird place so who knows!

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

Yes? I guess? People? I dunno? 

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

I guess so? I’m not entirely sure in which sense so I don’t really have an answer as to why.

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

No mainly because I’m not dating or “talking” anybody.

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

My friends

55. Share a relationship story.

UUUUUUH Well my last relationship the guy I was with had taken me into the city as our first date and we got lost so i guess thats kinda funny lol

56. State 8 facts about your body

I have an indented ribcage (its on my right side)

I have a surgery scar on my arm

I have a scar on my knee when I tripped and fell as a kid

I bruise easily

I can never sit still unless I am relaxed or focused

My entire body shakes when I talk about heavy/ extremely personal subjects

My body barely moves In my sleep

I have like NO circulation so my body is almost always cold

I love all of the above facts about my body :)

57. Things you want to say to an ex

“Yo my dude whats up?” because one of them is still one of my friends and we haven't talked in a while!

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

Its pretty easy tbh

Genuinely accept every aspect of my life

Make me laugh a whole lot

Get into a passionate conversation about something either I like or the other person likes.

Be a genuine person that isn't an asshole

sit outside and look at constellations with me

BONUS: also pet a lot of dogs with me when on walks

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

I took this earlier today after getting my hair cut super short!

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

The last person I was with was 2 years older than me so lol

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

Their smile or eyes!

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

Give me love and affection…LOL but seriously… I have… no… idea? I need to think about this one more hahaha

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

64. What is your definition of cheating?

Having any form of sexual type relations with anyone else other than the person you’re currently in a relationship with I guess?

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ have not explored that yet lol

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ have not explored that yet in that sense lol

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

Going to random shops and just exploring around them lol (ALSO STARGAZING BECAUSE IM A SPACE NERD)

68. What is your sexual orientation?

Bisexual! Pansexual maybe? I dunno, I like who I like! I don’t like labels too much!

69. What turns you off?

Lack of personal space, and someone assuming they know what I want or what I’m like

70. What turns you on?

This is kinda strange but 

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

I actually have no clue, that or i just don’t remember it… pity...

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

Take me on really fun little adventures.

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

GOOD PERSONALITY

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

Stuck by my side in a crowded place all day to keep me calm. (I get anxiety in very large crowds by myself)

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

I don’t know what people would consider sweet, but I used to leave notes for people?

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

As long as its nothing illegal, then its okay? I have no idea how to answer this. Just don’t be doing anything illegal or morally wrong. Adults with minors isn't good.

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

I guess that my mind is nowhere near as innocent as most people think? lol I never know what to say for this question.

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

I actually don’t remember?

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Today when I was talking to my parents… exciting I know lol

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

UHHHH I DUNNO???? I literally am blanked on everyone I find lots of people attractive sooo

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

My mom or my dad I can’t remember!

83. Who was your first kiss with?

The guy I had my last relationship with

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

My mental health wasn't good and we handled relationships differently.

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

Yeah probably lol

WOW OKAY THIS WAS A LONG ASS POST HAHAHAHA

[bartsugsy]

then why would you want aaron to be with him? or do you not like aaron either?

Aksjsjsks oh u know me anon, a true aaron hater 😂😂😂

im dying

WELCOME TO MY TEDX TALK TBQH HERE WE GO

i think, i mean first of all, aaron obviously loves and wants to be with robert, but can’t be at the moment because there’s a baby and also tbh because robert needs to get his god damn shit together

aaron… clearly doesn’t care that much about the immorality behind the shit robert pulls. aaron��s morals are sort of just as fucked up - in mean, they met THROUGH CRIME. they’re both sort of awful. rob is a lot more shameless about it but aaron robbed home farm and kidnapped lachlan all by himself, for instance 😂 he’s a true dingle, that one. since they got back together, aaron’s concerns have usually been, in canon, more along the lines of: pls don’t let robert put himself in jail and also does robert love me enough

on the first point, see: ssw and “i could lose you”, the police questioning rob about withdrawing the money to pay ryan, the argument over breaking lucky out of jail.

on the second: everything about the rebecca saga - i think aaron actually understood that rob was using her for her connection to the whites and the chance to get some more money (see: the talk in the back room after finding out about the kiss) but that didn’t stop him from feeling uncomfortable about it and so the question was always this awful mix of - does he love me enough to stay faithful and does he love me more than he loves money and scheming?

and that’s been the sticking point. canon has shown robert actively dropping scheming with rebecca/making money for aaron (aaron’s birthday) and also obviously there was that whole BURNING 10K thing smh - robert does love aaron more than he loves money and power but at the same time, oh boy does he love money and power! and he makes some fucked up choices around them.

the actual issue of why they broke up is more around obviously rob knocking up rebecca - which happened more because rob was genuinely angry at aaron, angrier than he’d been in such a long time. i’ve spoken about this so many times, but as far as robert was aware at that moment, he’d spent all this time struggling without aaron, unable to sleep, pouring money into a lawyer to try and get him out early and here’s aaron, disregarding all of that, taking drugs and threatening his chances of early release

and aaron going to prison? that’s something aaron did by himself (and ok also finn) that hurt robert and liv. a lot. that’s something that affected them both horrendously that was aaron’s fault. i have a friend whose dad punched someone at work which led to him getting fired and his mum literally up and left him - that level of violence against others really can break up relationships. aaron put someone in hospital and went to prison for it and robert chose to stay and didn’t hold it against aaron - until that one moment of weakness, where everything was a little too much, and he allowed himself to really be angry at aaron for putting them in that situation - and he fucked up massively. because he’s an idiot. and also probably because he has some issues around putting aaron on a pedestal sometimes and seeing aaron itching for more spice and being really very, horribly, awfully human was very very difficult for robert at that moment.

like. aaron put someone in hospital and robert barely said a word to aaron about it. that’s insane. and mirrored in a lot of ways in aaron’s initial reaction to staying with robert after the reveal and finding out about the baby. they both have the worst communication issues and also they are both so desperate to stay with each other that they overlook things that need to be talked about and dealt with. and that’s what’s been getting them in trouble since the moment they got together properly.

anyway, i’m literally more sympathetic towards the ons than i am basically anything else robert has ever done e v e r, which is ironic because that’s the one thing that fucked up robert’s life and ultimately pushed aaron away.

and ok let’s look at what aaron knew, from his side, that was expressed in canon, in the most simplistic form we can:

robert was angry at aaron for taking spice and slept with rebecca to hurt him, regrets it massivelyrebecca is now pregnant and not getting rid of the baby and also not leaving the village or going anywhere robert doesn’t want the baby but also is sort of fucked up about itaaron wants to be with robertaaron thinks robert would be a good dadaaron wants robert to spend time with his child if that’s what robert wants (because he very much loves robert)aaron doesn’t want rebecca to spend time with robert and does not know how to handle the fact that the baby is a reason why that has to happenin fact, rebecca being around is a constant reminder of the worst parts of robert and all those parts that he gave into earlier this yearand she has clearly expressed to aaron that she wanted to steal robert from him aaron has no real reason to trust that robert wouldn’t end up with rebecca despite everything because aaron is only human and its natural to be insecure about ur partner spending time with an ex who they kissed and also slept with in the last yearaaron wants to believe that robert only wants himaaron pushed most of that resentment on rebecca moreso than robert because that was an easier option for himultimately, he also resents robert and it doesn’t take much pushing for him to take that anger out on robert as well as rebecca, with almost deadly consequencesthe whole situation, likely in conjunction with the fact that he’s already experienced a lot of trauma earlier that year in prison which we are reminded of with the jason call back when aaron tries to buy spice again, is horrific for aaron’s mental healthaaron removes himself from the situation - both because he himself is struggling and because he almost killed robert - he says that he doesn’t need this and neither does robert.

i know i’ve seen a lot of people say that robert was the one who was bad for his mental health but it was so so so much more the situation as a whole than it was robert - and the situation was borne out of robert’s horrible decisions and god damn is that why robert needs to sort himself out and stop making horrible decisions on impulse whenever he’s feeling emotions that are hard to handle

- aaron needed to do it, because aaron was in a place where he was reacting with dangerous levels of violence every time he was upset at or about robert

and now robert needs to do it, because…. well, look at the little fucker, throwing himself into getting control of home farm as if that’s going to fill the emptiness in his chest, without any regard for anyone else’s safety or feelings. it’s a miracle no one has died yet (again) as a result of robert’s recklessness and carelessness over the lives of other people - and there have been enough close calls. this isn’t like… a cry of help to aaron though? this isn’t about rob trying to get aaron back lmao. it’s about him thinking he’s lost aaron for good and so deciding to do exactly what he was doing before aaron came along - which was slowly getting home farm and all the money and power that comes along with it. only this time, he’s acting almost deranged, because… well, he’s having a breakdown isn’t he?

for aaron and robert to get back together, aaron needs to continue to be in a place where he won’t resort to violence and robert needs to wake up and realise that being careless about people’s lives and doing what he’s been doing etc etc isn’t a good way to live + whatever else they’re gonna have him face up to lmao

but like? if robert stops being a dick and chasing after money and power at the expense of all the good things in his life (which - if anything could ever teach him that that’s not as emotionally fulfilling a way to live as being with your family and the man you love, i feel like this situation might)? i don’t see why aaron wouldn’t be happy with robert? they’re in love with one another and people can change and better themselves and lbr aaron literally said himself that he still thinks of himself as being in a relationship with rob because emotionally they’re both totally committed to one another.

robert may be a terrible human but he loves aaron and he’s spent a lot of time trying to be better for aaron - he’s saved aaron’s life over and over, is someone aaron wants to spend the rest of his life with, is someone aaron slips work to spend his entire day with, makes aaron laugh, loves aaron’s sister, someone who decorated an entire insane and beautiful house for them to live in, is someone who couldn’t sleep in their bed without aaron in it, someone who thinks that aaron is beautiful inside and out, someone who threw a surprise wedding for aaron because he was panicking about going to prison and needed something to ground him a little, someone who devoted all of his time and energy to supporting aaron through one of the toughest fucking periods of aaron’s life without asking or needing anything in return

robert is awful to most people but most of the time he tries like hell to be the best he can be to aaron and most of the time? he succeeds

sometimes he doesn’t and those are the moments where we internally slap him upside the head but like… that’s also how relationships work, usually

(but also thank christ rob is getting the redemption coma or whatever bc he needs it)

and aaron loves him back - even after everything, aaron defends robert to people, he truly believes in the best parts of robert because he’s seen them, as well as the worst parts - and he’s forgiven the worst parts because that’s what aaron does and that’s not a bad thing or a weakness or something he needs to be gently pushed out of, that’s a beautiful quality in a human being tbh fuck everyone who doesn’t appreciate and respect aaron’s capacity to forgive whilst still sticking up for himself and making sure no one walks over him, because he absolutely would never let anyone walk over him, not even robert - aaron knows his own mind and his own heart and he’s going to do whatever he’s going to do, fuck what anyone else thinks and if that means believing that robert is deserving of his forgiveness, i don’t think that’s something that makes him weak nor is it necessarily even something that takes something away from aaron, that’s hard for him to do or makes him lesser in any way. idk i’m a forgiving person and i get how against the odds easy that can be sometimes, even if it’s not necessarily the best idea always 😂

IM GETTING OFF TRACK BASICALLY AARON LOVES ROBERT AND ROBERT LOVES AARON AND THAT WASNT ENOUGH FOR THEM THIS YEAR - EVERYTHING IMPLODED AND SOMETIMES IT WAS AARON’S FAULT, MORE OFTEN IT WAS ROB’S FAULT AND GOD SOMETIMES IT WAS THE WORLD JUST BEING RELENTLESSLY SHITTY TO THEM AND PILING ON SOME MORE PAIN

BUT WANTING AARON TO BE WITH ROBERT IS NEVER NECESSARILY AS SIMPLE AS “I DISREGARD AARON’S FEELINGS IN FAVOUR OF ROBERT’S” BECAUSE I SECRETLY HATE AARON, BECAUSE TO ME, AARON’S FEELINGS ARE ALWAYS INEVITABLY GOING TO BUILD BACK UP TO WANTING TO BE WITH ROBERT

AND I HAVE A LOT OF RESPECT FOR AARON’S FEELINGS HENCE THE JUSTICE FOR AARON’S FEELINGS 2K17 MOVEMENT THAT I KEEP HAVING TO BRING OUT

but it’s just that that decision to be together again doesn’t necessarily have to turn into the hell that 2017 was for them both

🤷🏻‍♀️ they can be better than that and they can genuinely make one another happy - they just need a better run at it, with less awful impulses towards violence or infidelity or what have you

(and also it’s a soap and their relationship is hella entertaining)

[citious]

CHAPTER 4

Characters

Main: Yoon Jinmyung, Jung Yeeun, Song Jiwon, Im Sungmin

Supporting: Kwon Hochang, Yoo Eunjae, Jo Eun, Parents

Note: If you haven’t read Chapters 1, 2, 2.5 and 3, you may do so here –> Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 2.5, Chapter 3

In a nutshell: Yoon-sunbae is visiting her childhood home as per her mom’s request. Is there a hidden purpose aside from her mom who misses her? Yeeun is going for another meeting with her relatives, and Yeeun will have to face a possible obstacle between her relationship and her parents. Meanwhile, Sungmin is going to encounter the unexpected, what is it and how will it go?

Rating: T

Belle Époque

17th February 2018

8.00 a.m.

Yoon-sunbae went out of the bathroom, damping her towel with her wet hair. It’s Saturday, and she had promised her mom to pay her a visit.

She opened the fridge to check the contents. There was nothing she could consume right away, so she took a carton of milk from the fridge door, and grabbed a box of Oreo cereal from the overhead cabinet. She poured a considerable amount of cereal in a bowl and poured a good amount of milk before consuming it for breakfast.

11.30 a.m.

It’s the time of the month again, when Yeeun’s parents and her relatives are gathering to catch up on everyone’s ‘accomplishments’.

Yeeun sighed as she saw her parents’ car approaching Belle Époque. She wore a feminine white dress with sheer short sleeves and tied her straight and long hair up this time. Yeeun sat on the backseat, staring blankly at the passing stretch of buildings as the car accelerated.

As the car was parked at the basement, Yeeun and her parents got out of the car. Yeeun’s mom scanned Yeeun from head to toe. Noticing this, Yeeun asked,

Yeeun: Why?

Her mom replied,

Mom: Nothing. Let’s go.

That statement meant one thing – Yeeun didn’t have to do anything about her lip color, her hairstyle, or even the dress she was wearing.

Yeeun’s parents walked in front while she followed behind them. It’s an exclusive Chinese Restaurant this time. Grandma and four of Yeeun’s aunts and uncles were already seated at the huge round table. Yeeun’s mom and dad shook everyone’s hands while Yeeun smiled awkwardly behind them. Suddenly, grandma asked Yeeun to sit next to her. Yeeun involuntarily agreed to her request.

Grandma: How is everything?

Yeeun: Everything is alright, Halmeoni.

Grandma: Are you doing well with the psychological treatment?

Yeeun was surprised when her grandma actually asked her about it.

Yeeun: I’m no longer receiving the treatment.

Yeeun relied with a smile on her face. She wanted to tell her grandma that she could manage herself well.

Grandma: Is that so? That’s great, then. What about a boyfriend? Do you have one, now?

Hearing grandma’s question, Yeeun answered reluctantly,

Yeeun: Well… I do have one now.

Grandma: Is he a nice boy?

Yeeun: He treats me well, Halmeoni. This time I really make sure he won’t do the same thing as what the previous one did.

Grandma: Really? Alright, Yeeun-ah… Honestly Halmeoni is very concerned about you. I think of all my grandchildren as precious, and I only want the best for you, and for our family’s reputation.

Yeeun forced a smile as she listened to her grandma’s explanation. She was glad a while ago when her grandma asked her about her therapy, but now that ‘reputation’ was mentioned, her feelings shattered. Yeeun knew very well what family reputation exactly meant.

For education, it literally means either studying law/doctor/business majors in a top university. For Yeeun’s case, it’s good enough that she went to Yonsei University, one of South Korea’s most prestigious schools. But even that’s not considered very impressive, as all her other cousins are either studying abroad, or taking those preferred majors.

Moving on to jobs. Well, Yeeun’s family members (uncles) are either politicians or those people who deal with law enforcement. Her dad alone is a specialist doctor. So Yeeun knew her major in Food and Nutrition couldn’t really par up to what her uncles and dad are doing, but she knew her major is where her passion is, and she’s going to prove that she can do well later on.

Last but not least, husband. Yeeun thought this would be the hardest thing to tackle. She knew everything too well for this matter. First he has to come from a well-off family. Second, he has to graduate from a top school. Third, he has to have a promising and stable job, someone who can guarantee himself to reach the top of a company hierarchy at least.

Yeeun thought to herself while eating on the round table, ‘My family is seriously no different than those families in a Makjang drama.’

The lunch thankfully didn’t last as long as the last time, and Yeeun was glad that only her grandma interrogated her. If not, her self-esteem could’ve been badly hurt.

On the way back in the car, Yeeun’s dad opened a conversation,

Dad: Yeeun-ah

Yeeun: Yes, Dad?

Dad: Your grandma told me that you have a boyfriend now.

When Yeeun heard her dad’s words, she panicked a little inside.

Dad: Are you sure he’s not gonna do bad things to you again?

Well, that question from her dad actually made Yeeun quite surprised. She thought he would scold her for telling her grandma that she’s dating a new guy after her last relationship fiasco. To that, Yeeun replied,

Yeeun: Yes… I have a boyfriend now, but no, Dad. I made sure that he’s a really nice guy. I’ve introduced him to my friends and they all agreed that he’s a really nice guy.

Yeeun’s dad could only hum at Yeeun’s explanation. Maybe he still couldn’t believe her daughter 100%.

Dad: Yeeun-ah, is it too much to ask if mom and dad want to meet your boyfriend together with you?

Yeeun’s heart suddenly beat fast upon listening to her dad’s request. She gulped and said,

Yeeun: Hm… Honestly it might be too early for him to meet you, but of course I’ll tell him about this and set up a date.

Dad: Is that so? Alright, then.

Yeeun’s mind suddenly got flooded with so many concerns. She was scared at the thought that her parents might reject Hochang.

Bus Station

9.30 a.m.

Yoon-sunbae rode an inter-city bus on her way to visit her mom. The distance between Seoul and he mom’s place wasn’t so far, so it’s actually quite convenient for her. Strangely, though, Yoon-sunbae just didn’t really have a close relationship with her mom ever since her late brother got into a vegetative state.

She considered herself very sinful when she wished her brother to die, but without that, her family would still be suffering until now. Yoon-sunbae’s relationship with her mom improved a little after the death of her brother, and more recently because she got herself a stable job in a reputable entertainment company.

As the bus reached the city bus interchange, Yoon-sunbae hopped off. The journey took her about 2 hours, which wasn’t too bad. She continued her journey with a local bus and finally reached the neighborhood where her house was located.

She walked towards a traditional Korean house that looked nicely managed. She flinched as the gate made a screeching sound upon entering the house’s courtyard. As she approached the main door, she knocked the door and said,

Jinmyung: Hello, mom… Jinmyung is here.

After waiting for a while, the door sled and Yoon-sunbae’s mom came out to greet her,

Mom: Oh, Jinmyung-ah, you’re here…

It’s been so long since she visited the house. The last time was probably 6 months ago, also when Yoon-sunbae’s mom called her to visit. If not, she wouldn’t have the initiative to do so. That’s just how estranged their relationship was.

As Yoon-sunbae stepped into the house, her mom asked,

Mom: Have you eaten?

Yoon-sunbae who was hungry as she’d only eaten a bowl of cereal in the morning replied,

Jinmyung: No, not yet.

Her mom looked a little concerned and said,

Mom: Wait here, I’ll bring you some rice and side dishes.

Yoon-sunbae sat down on the wooden floor in front of a small table that was meant to be for a dining table. She reminisced the times she spent in that house about 20 years ago when her family was still complete. Her dad, mom, and little brother were always with her at the dining table every night, every day.

Her dad unfortunately died from liver cancer when she was in High school. Since then, Yoon-sunbae and her brother couldn’t live the lives they used to have. Her mom didn’t exactly have a fixed source of income and would borrow money from loan sharks. That’s when Yoon-sunbae had to start working part-time while cramming to study for her university entrance exam. She was a hard worker from a young age, and she knew she was the only hope for her remaining family members.

Just when Yoon-sunbae graduated from High school with flying colors and got accepted at Yonsei University’s Business Management major, her brother was involved in a major accident that caused him permanent absence of responsiveness and awareness. The main cause of that was because her brother was devastated at their father’s passing, and he became a truant child.

Yoon-sunbae felt like her burden just kept piling up in her early youth. She remembered crying in her sleep every night because she felt like her life was too much for her to handle.

Just then, Yoon-sunbae woke up from reminiscing her painful memories when her mom came back from the kitchen with a tray full of home-cooked food.

Mom: Eat up.

Yoon-sunbae put on a smile and tasted the beansprout soup in front of her. She commented genuinely,

Jinmyung: It’s delicious.

Her mom smiled at Yoon-sunbae who seemed to joyfully enjoy the food that she cooked. It was a rare occasion.

Belle Époque

12.30 a.m.

The doorbell to the share house rang. Eunjae ran to open the door. It was the food delivery man. She handed in a few notes in exchange for the food that was delivered.

Eunjae, Eun and Jiwon were together at Belle Époque, and after discussing what they wanted to eat, they went for Tangsuyuk and some fire chicken for lunch because their fridge’s condition was dire. There was no food at all.

The three sat together at the dining table and started munching the food. Eunjae candidly asked a question,

Eunjae: Jiwon-sunbae, aren’t you gonna go out today?

Jiwon: Me? I don’t know.

Eunjae and Eun glanced at each other as they heard Jiwon’s reply. Eun added,

Eun: But why? You have a boyfriend now. You should go and meet him.

Jiwon smirked a little and responded,

Jiwon: So what if I have a boyfriend? I mean, we don’t have to see each other every day right?

Eunjae: But don’t you miss him already? Usually couples who just got together want to see each other every day…

Eun: I agree. That’s so true.

Jiwon being Jiwon, she replied,

Jiwon: Aish, don’t compare me with other people. Don’t you guys know I’m special and unique? I’m sure he’s fine. It’s not like he’s dying to see me now.

Eunjae and Eun just stayed still as both partly disagreed to Jiwon’s comment, but they brushed it off as there’s no point in talking back to Jiwon who’s all for her self-confidence.

Sungmin’s Apartment

12.35 p.m.

Sungmin’s usually a morning person, but strangely, he woke up past noon that day. It was the first time he could sleep that soundly after the misunderstanding incident with Jiwon the other day. He literally thought that Jiwon hated him, and he couldn’t get himself to sleep.

Sungmin stretched his body and put on a huge and happy smile. He reached out his hand towards his phone that’s on the bedside table.

He unlocked his phone and opened the message Jiwon sent him. He squealed and kicked his blanket when he saw it,

‘It feels like a dream,’ Sungmin thought.

Right at that moment, Sungmin wanted to ask Jiwon out, but he wanted to keep his cool, and decided to wait for Jiwon to say Hi or make the move first.

Sungmin went for a shower and thought Jiwon would text him, it was lunch time anyway, so he expected a message from Jiwon. As Sungmin finished showering and went out to check his phone with a smile, his expression suddenly turned disappointed as there wasn’t any message coming in from his girlfriend.

To calm himself down, he thought, ‘maybe she’s still sleeping. I’ll wait longer.’ He then went to the kitchen to cook ramyun. He turned on the TV and sat down on the sofa in the living room while eating the ramyun that he cooked right from the pot.

Knowing Brothers appeared on TV, and Sungmin seemed to enjoy it at first, but after 30 minutes trying to watch the variety show, it got boring, so he changed one channel up.

Right at that moment, the TV showed a drama where a couple was having a sweet date out on a beautiful day. He looked back to see the sky from the huge window behind him. He turned off the TV right away, went to his room to wear his navy bomber jacket, put on his shoes and stormed out of the apartment.

Belle Époque

1.30 p.m.

Yeeun reached Belle Époque and saw her parents drove off. She walked towards Belle Époque’s house entrance with her face looking sullen. She stopped halfway to grab her phone in her purse to call Hochang.

Hochang: Hello?

Yeeun skipped greeting him back and asked,

Yeeun: Can we meet?

Hochang was a little startled when Yeeun dashed him with a question right away.

Hochang: … Eo… of course. Where do you want to meet?

Yeeun: Just at the usual place.

Hochang: When?

Yeeun: Now.

Yeeun hung up as soon as she finished her words. She knew she was acting cold towards Hochang on the phone, but as a matter of fact, she really didn’t mean to talk to him that way.

At the café…

Hochang was already seated when Yeeun came in through the glass door. Hochang waved at Yeeun with a smile to signal where he was sitting. Yeeun took a sit in front of him.

Without beating around the bush, Hochang who saw Yeeun’s sullen expression, asked,

Hochang: What’s the matter?

Yeeun had her face looking down, just staring blankly at the table while flicking her nails. After a while, Yeeun finally looked up and answered,

Yeeun: You… are you okay if my parents want to meet you?

Hochang who heard what Yeeun just said, pointed his index finger at himself,

Hochang: Me?

Yeeun nodded her head twice to respond.

Hochang pondered and replied with confidence,

Hochang: Yeah. I’m okay.

Yeeun whose expression was dark, turned lighter. She clearly didn’t expect Hochang, whom she knew was ‘socially awkward,’ could answer the question confidently.

Yeeun: Are you sure?

Hochang: Yeah. Definitely.

Yeeun: You’re not scared?

Hochang: Ani, I’m scared, but I’ll meet them… for you.

Yeeun, who heard Hochang’s answer had her eyes teary, but before her tears could fall, she looked up and wiped it with her wrists. Yeeun told Hochang how she truly felt,

Yeeun: Honestly, I’m scared. I’m scared because I know what my parents expect of my boyfriend and I’m so worried that they may not accept you.

Hochang couldn’t stand Yeeun looking sad, so he stood up and sat beside Yeeun to hug her. He said,

Hochang: Yeeun-ah, it’s okay… It will all be okay.

Yoon-sunbae’s Home

12:34 p.m.

After Yoon-sunbae gulped down some water from a glass, her mom opened a conversation,

Mom: Jinmyung-ah…

Jinmyung: Hm…?

Mom: Aren’t you turning 30 this year?

Jinmyung: Yes…

Yoon-sunbae’s mom smiled as she seemed to remember something on her mind.

Mom: You know, when I was turning 30, I already have you who was in 1st grade and Jinho who’s 4 years old.

After her mom paused for a while, she continued,

Mom: I married your dad when I was 23 and had you when I was 24. It was honestly the best time of my life. Having a loving husband and a cute baby girl.

Yoon-sunbae’s lips stretched a little as she thought, ‘That’s true…. Dad was indeed a loving figure.’

Mom: So I was gonna ask you…

Yoon-sunbae looked at her mom’s eyes and waited for her to finish her words,

Mom: Now that you’re working in a reputable company and have a stable income, why don’t you build a family soon? Eomma knows you have a boyfriend.

Yoon-sunbae froze when her mom suddenly brought up marriage.

Jinmyung: Eomma… why are you suddenly bring up marriage?

Mom: Jinmyung-ah, mom is getting old now, and I have no one but you in this family... Before I leave this world, it’s my dream to see my child start a family of her own.

Yoon-sunbae totally understood her mother’s wish. Not wanting to hurt her feelings, Yoon-sunbae responded,

Jinmyung: Eomma, you know what? I do want to fulfill your wish, I really do…. But I want to let fate decide when the best time for me to do it will be. Nowadays, there are so many things to consider before marriage. The least I can do is to introduce him to you first, but I can’t promise anything yet.

As soon as Yoon-sunbae finished her words, her mom held her hand and said,

Mom: Thank you, Jinmyung-ah....

Belle Époque

3.40 p.m.

Yoon-sunbae got back and everyone was home.

Jinmyung: Hello, girls

The girls looked at Yoon-sunbae’s direction and greeted her back,

Everyone: Annyeong!

Jiwon saw Yoon-sunbae carrying a large bag, and she quickly approached her to help with the things,

Jiwon: Yoon-sunbae, what are these? Wow… home-cooked food?!

Jinmyung: Hm…

Jiwon: Ya….. How nice! Did you visit your mom today?

Jinmyung: Eo, I did.

Jiwon expressed her sadness as she thought about why her mom or dad hadn’t visited to send her some side dishes. She really had no choice but to order in food for lunch earlier.

Suddenly, Jiwon’s phone rang and when she saw the caller ID, she smiled and tucked her hair behind her left ear.

Jiwon: Annyeong!

Jiwon answered the call cheerfully.

The Belle Époque girls had their attention on Jiwon as she exclaimed on the phone.

From the other side of the call, Sungmin said,

Sungmin: Come out.

Jiwon who heard Sungmin’s reply on the phone, frowned a little as she was wondering what’s happening.

She approached the veranda and looked down. Sungmin was there, standing outside the courtyard in front of his car. Jiwon swiftly ran downstairs as soon as she saw Sungmin.

Jiwon approached Sungmin with open arms, but just before she could hug him, Sungmin said,

Sungmin: Stop.

Jiwon who was confused about Sungmin’s word just stood still and thought, ‘why is he like this?’

Sungmin asked Jiwon while looking at the sky with both his hands in the pockets,

Sungmin: Don’t you miss me?

Jiwon who heard Sungmin’s weird question, replied,

Jiwon: Huh?

Sungmin: Aish… Don’t-you-miss-me???

Jiwon couldn’t answer Sungmin’s question and stared at him blankly. She didn’t know how to react.

At the same time, Sungmin couldn’t stand staying cool anymore, and quickly pulled Jiwon into his embrace.

Sungmin: Why didn’t you text me today?

Jiwon: I don’t know…. That’s how we always were…

Sungmin: I know, but we’re different now… Do you know how much I missed you?

After Sungmin popped hat question, he looked at Jiwon’s eyes and lips and moved his face closer to kiss Jiwon, but before their lips could touch, a loud voice came from across the street,

Man: Ya you scoundrel! What are you doing?!

A man and a woman in their mid-50s were seen standing from across the street with their hands holding bags of what seemed like packed foods.

Suddenly, Jiwon exclaimed with a joyful expression,

Jiwon: Appa!

Sungmin: M… mwo? Appa?!

Jiwon: Appa! Eomma!

Jiwon ran towards the man and woman and gave them a big hug.

Sungmin who was left standing outside Belle Époque’s courtyard freeze and thought, ‘I’m so screwed.’

Belle Époque

4.03 p.m.

Sungmin sat next to Jiwon on the sofa. He had both his hands on his laps, feeling more nervous than ever. On the front left sat Jiwon’s dad and mom. They were both scanning Sungmin from head to toe.

The Belle Époque girls were inside Eun’s room, all trying to eavesdrop from the door.

Feeling the awkwardness and tension dominating the atmosphere, Jiwon suggested,

Jiwon: Dad… Mom… Why don’t we do this another time? You all must feel tired from the journey to reach here, right? Hehehehehehe

Jiwon stopped herself from her awkward laugh as her parents didn’t show her any interest for her effort to make them return home.

Dad: So… What’s your name?

Jiwon’s dad asked Sungmin. He himself didn’t know where to start, so asking name was the best thing to do.

Sungmin: My name is Im Sungmin.

Sungmin’s heart beat uncontrollably fast as soon as he finished his response.

Dad: Hm... How did you know my daughter?

Sungmin: I first met her during the university orientation 4 years ago. Jiwon and I take the same major, and we’re also members of the same university newspaper club.

Dad and mom nodded in acknowledgement.

Jiwon’s mom was curious about Sungmin too, so she asked in place of her husband,

Mom: What do your parents do?

Hearing this, Jiwon uttered,

Jiwon: Eomma-

Before she could finish, Sungmin signaled her that it’s fine, so she stopped.

Sungmin: My father works in a TV station, and my mother is a housewife.

Mom: TV station? Is that why you pursued journalism? So you can follow your father’s path?

Sungmin: Not exactly, Eomoni… I really do have passion in journalism. I like to gather facts and think objectively abut current issues. In the future, I do aspire to become one of the key people in the industry.

Hearing Sungmin’s answer that’s full of confidence and certainty about his preference and life goal, Jiwon’s parents shared a glance and nodded in acceptance.

Dad: So… Why do you like our daughter?

Jiwon thought in nervousness about what Sungmin’s gonna respond, ‘is he gonna talk about my sexiness? Or my skills in bed?’ Realizing how inappropriate her thought was, Jiwon shook her head to come to her senses.

Sungmin: Jiwon is...

(The girls in Eun’s room gathered near the door, Eun had her right ear sticking on the door so that she could eavesdrop the conversation).

Sungmin: a person who makes me happy. She may be very talkative and hyper sometimes, and honestly irritating at some point, but I do feel comfortable being around her.

She’s the only one who can make me laugh and lighten up my heart during the hard times.

When I was preparing for my final exams last semester, she even delivered books to my desk at the university newspaper club. But more than anything,

Sungmin looked over to Jiwon who’s sitting beside him and continued his words,

Sungmin: My heart only flutters for Jiwon. That’s what I realized for the past 2 years while having a crush on her.

Without realizing, Jiwon’s mom was smiling ear to ear, her palms were covering her heart. She was deeply touched by Sungmin’s words.

Jiwon, who didn’t expect Sungmin to answer the question that way, had her eyes sparkling in wonder.

Eun overheard Sungmin’s words and whispered the content to the rest of the girls behind her. Yeeun and Eunjae squealed, but Yoon-sunbae asked them to be quiet, so the people outside won’t notice that they’ve been listening in.

After considering Sungmin’s answer, Dad told Sungmin while nodding,

Dad: Okay. I’ll keep that in mind.

Dad then suggested,

Dad: Yeobo, let’s get going then.

After learning that Jiwon’s parents wanted to go home, Sungmin offered,

Sungmin: Abeonim, Eomonim… Can I drop you off at the bus station?

Jiwon whispered,

Jiwon: Ya! Are you crazy?!

Sungmin didn’t budge, but he saw Jiwon’s parents sharing a glance. They agreed.

On the way to the bus station in the car, there was silence in the air, so Jiwon tried to open a conversation,

Jiwon: Eomma, Appa… Why did you come to Seoul so suddenly today?

Mom replied,

Mom: Well, what’s wrong with your parents wanting to see you and sending you food?

She added,

Mom: If we didn’t come, how are we gonna find out that you have a boyfriend already? Why didn’t you tell us?

Sungmin’s grip on the steering wheel fastened as he gulped in nervousness. Sungmin uttered,

Sungmin: I apologize, Abeonim and Eomonim… I should have sent my greetings to you first.

To that, Jiwon’s mom replied with a genuine smile, expressing her fondness for Sungmin,

Mom: Ani, it’s not your fault at all, Im-seobang.

Jiwon blurted,

Jiwon: Mwo? S…seobang?!

Sungmin blinked his eyes and gulped again as he was startled at Jiwon’s mom’s statement.

As they reached the bus station, Sungmin gave Jiwon’s dad a handshake plus a 90° bow, and Jiwon’s dad gave him a pat on the back, saying

Dad: Right, I’ll leave our Jiwon to you. Take care of her well.

Sungmin: Yes, I will, Abeonim.

When Sungmin was about to give Jiwon’s mom a 90° bow, she prevented him from doing it and instead gave him a motherly hug and spoke,

Mom: Thank you, for loving our Jiwon. You’re my daughter’s first boyfriend.

Sungmin could only smile at Jiwon’s mom’s words. He bowed once more and let the parents leave before them.

As Jiwon and Sungmin saw the parents disappear in front of them, Jiwon turned her body to Sungmin, teasing him with her cute voice, and pinched his cheeks,

Jiwon: Sungmin-aaaaah, you did so well!

Sungmin pulled himself back, trying to stop Jiwon.

Sungmin: Ya ya ya ya! Stop it! You-

Jiwon let go of her fingers on Sungmin’s cheeks and turned back, walking towards the car. But before she walked too far, Sungmin chased her and gave her a peck on the lips. He said,

Sungmin: This is for the failed kiss that I wanted to give you earlier in front of the house.  

Jiwon complained at the briefness of the kiss,

Jiwon: Aish! If you want to repay it, do it properly!

Jiwon tip-toped and kissed Sungmin’s lips with all her might. She sprung in her steps for the remaining distance to Sungmin’s car.

Sungmin chuckled as he saw his girlfriend’s cute and spontaneous behavior. He followed behind to his car.

6.12 p.m.

On the bus, on the way home…

Jiwon’s Mom: Yeobo, what do you think of that kid?

Dad responded,

Dad: Well, I like him. He knew what he wants in life and I can see the sincerity in him.

Jiwon’s mom nodded in agreement. Something came up on her mind suddenly and asked,

Mom: But I’m curious… Can a person who works at a TV station buy his kid who’s in the university a nice car like that?

Upon hearing her words, dad looked over to his wife and started to question the same thing.

Glossary

Makjang (drama): a sylistic, tonal, or narrative element in dramas that chooses to play up outrageous storylines to keep viewers hooked despite how ridiculous the stories become [T/N from dramabeans.com]

Tangsuyuk: Sweet and sour pork

Seobang: An expression used to 1) address one’s son-in-law or to 2) address someone’s husband (in this case it applies to no. 1)

Thanks for reading.

Read the next chapter:

Chapter 5

[dreamerology]

my biggest i love monsta x ever!!!!

no offence but if u had told me a year ago that these seven boys would have had this much of an impact on my life and not only that but i still love them as much now as i did on day one (maybe even more) i’d say u were lying. usually my interests come and go in phases and nothing has ever lasted as long as mx???? but i rly truly cannot imagine my life without them at this point. in fact, the 2-3 months at the very beginning of uni where i stopped having time for them and thought i was moving on were the worst of this year (ofc that wasn’t the only reason those months were hard, but feeling like i was falling out of love w mx hurt more than id care to admit). they’ve brought me so much happiness and connected me with so many amazing people and not 2 be cheesy but made me into a better person! like they just continue to have the biggest positive influence in my life and i got the opportunity to meet one of my best friends bc of them, i’ll forever be thankful for them

i know i havent been w mx since the beginnign but!!!! even just seeing shownu grow so much this year has made me sooooo happie!!!!!! i Love how u can just see he’s more comfortable now and seems a lot more at ease……..the fact that hes comfortable enough to host his own solo vlives and no offence but theres not a single thing i dont love abt that man! hes so fucking funny….like its sorta weird humor?? dad humor almost? BUT HES HONESTLY FUNNY WITHOUT EVEN TRYING hes just reached a point where he’s got no filter and will just say whatever and sometimes even the wording will make me laugh dkjfhkjsd the true underrated comedian of the group tbh. hes so selfless too bicht………….i still cant believe he split the money from his solo event w the other members My Heart :-((((((( and when hes on a solo schedule he’s always mentioning the others!!! nd doesnt let anyone forget abt them, they rly are one big family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALSO HIS SMILE is the cutest shit ive ever seen!!!!! like when he smiles rlllly big nd his eyes crinkle nd he :D and his big “ha ha ha” ,,,,music 2 my ears!!!!!!!! i wish he could be that happy forever. hes the biggest softest teddy bear i just wanna give him a giant hug???

fun fact wonho was the first member i knew abt nd was able to recognize nd such!! my friend who helped me get into mx talked abt him a lot so i grew to love him before i even knew the others!!! actually hes probably still the one i know the most abt bc of her? anyways! angels exist and wonho is living proof of that! his love for mbbs is on a whole other plane of existance???? ive never felt this loved nd appreciated as a fan before nd its all genuine!!!!!. wonho is a monbebebebe first and a monsta second. hes just so full of love….im convinced thats why hes so Large he needs to fit his heart in his body somehow...hes just got so much love to give!!!!!!! he is the most thoughtful and caring person??? like not even towards monbebes and his memebrs but like at the end of mxray when he made sure to buy all the staff and crew little gifts as well, my heart grew 3 sizes for him!!!!!! and im so soo soooooooooooooosososooo proud of him to have some of his songs on the albums this year and not only that but! from zero getting a stage on tv!!!!!! his song!!!! he did that!!!!!! his hard work paid off….i hope he continues to be able to produce more music this year! oh one last thing, i love how? childish he is??? idk if thats the right word but hes always teasing or changing or playing around w the other members and hes always being goofy and laughing and it just makes my heart!!!!! rly happy nd warm

what is there left 2 be said abt minhyuk that i havent already said yet jdfshkjdhf i just! Love Everything abt that boy :-((((((( i love his sunshiney positive personality that never fails to cheer me up, i love how caring he is and how he always makes sure to be there for his members and makes himself open for them, i love his uneven blink, i love how soft his voice is and how it sounds exactly how sunshine looks, i love his fingers go sorta crooked when he makes a peace sign, i love his laugh and how silly he is, i love his thoughtful and serious side, i love how smart he is, i love his toothy smile, i love when hes on stage and he looks so radiant and glowing and u can see how happy he is and how he was truly built to shine, i love his ears, i love how affectionate and loving he is, i love his one (1) dimple, i love how sometimes he just says the weirdest shit…...like i rly wanna understand what hes thinking sometimes, i love how cute he looks wearing hats or how soft he looks in giant sweaters, i love him sooooooo much my heart hurts

can u believe i didn’t used to love kihyun this much? past me was a whole fool! i’ll try to keep this one sorta short too since i’ve already written a love essay for him but! once again i rly do love him w my whole heart!!!!!! absolutely Everything he does is so endearing and i loooove how he cares so much….he rly went and made us our own season's greeting for free nd his photography is rly No Joke! hes so talented nd u can rly see how passionate he is abt it!!!!! it makes me so so happy seeing him talk abt it, like he just lights up its the best thing ive ever seen. i Love his smile!!!! when his face scrunches up and u can see the little dimples on his cheeks and see all his teeth and he laughs and throws his head back or hits whoever’s closest to him or just collapses thats Good Shit!!!!!!!! im so glad he’s happy enough to be able to smile like that!!!!!!! it makes my heart tingle thinking abt him being happy. he rly is the cutest, i love him nd all his beauty marks :D !! nd no offense but hes never had a bad hair colour/style nd thats the tea on that!

chae hyungwon 2018’s lord nd saviour????????? anyways its about Damn Time i write him a love essay :-((((( having both best friends being hyungwon biased ive secretly been converted 2 a whole chaebebe….their love rubbed off on me!!! i love it :D idk where to start...gosh hes seriously so hardworking????? im soooooo so soo so proud of him!!! icb he picked up djing as a hobby nd then made it to a big festival, is on mix and the city and has released not one but two (2) songs only months later!!!!!!!!! we love a talented man!!!!!!! nd his dancing bichksjdfhsdj hes so fluid nd smooth when he dances…...i always find myself watching him first in group practices like there something rly captivating abt him?? please let him show us more of his dancing its So Good. also hes got the nicest voice…...its so deep wtf...but like its So Calming 2 listen to? especially when hes sleepy nd its extra raspy? Good Shit! and when he sings!!!!!!!! bicshjkdfhksdhj hes got one of my fave vocal voices i rly wish he got the lines he deserves :((( hes! So! Cute! jfhsdjfhs he gets embarrassed so easily and always makes the goofiest faces but i love it….he covers his smile sometimes too :-((( i wish he wouldnt its So Bright nd cute nd warm just like he is!!!! hyungwon’s smile is the 8th wonder of the world thats just the facts folks!

mister jooheon……….the true example of the duality of man. i dont understand how he can go from his scaredy cat self to and Actual God,,,blows my mind. i’m pretty sure i’ve said this at least a hundred times but his stage presence is truly Unreal……..its on a whole other level…….ive never seen them live but if i ever do i fear for my life. nd i know once it’s over im only gonna know one (1) man and that man is lee jooheon. but at the same time hes rly The Cutest id trust him w my life???? his eyes are so warm!!!!!! And his Big Smile!!!!!!!!!!! his dimples? deeper than the marianas trench, i wanna build my home in them nd raise my family there. hes such a talented dude!!!! mx don’t have a single bad song thenks jooheon! also for the first couple months i’d alway forget he was one of the youngest? like hes very mature too nd seems very responsible djfhkjsdhfjsd idk how he was the only one 2 be able to keep it together during their first win 2 give the speech…..hes so strong. i love him so much :-( hes so cute nd gentle nd thoughtful...truly the biggest angel who deserves the world!!!!!!!!!!

i think if there's any member i would actually get along best w it would b changkyun. we’re both rly similar from what i can tell...like sorta quiet, but loud around those we’re comfortable with!!! first off hes so funny nd…..weird but like in a good way sdjfhksdjhf sometimes i rly just think he says the first thing that comes to his mind “actually we have a baby” ????? who let him \…..he always makes me laugh reading his fansign notes too omg that being said hes also one of the most serious members at times i feel like. hes just got this rly mature vibe nd he handles things rly well??? idk if that makes sense but Yeah. he’s just someone who’s not rly afraid 2 be themselves, i wish that were me??? ive got so much to learn from them. also icb he literally invented being cute???? he doesn't even have 2 try hes just adorable!!!!!! like his laugh nd smile? The Best!!!!! and when u can see his lil dimples yeahhhhh hes sooo super sweet and cheesy. i looooove how close hes gotten w the other members despite their rough start, they rly are a family nd im glad hes comfortable around them it rly warms my heart!!!!! whenever hes getting showered in love my heart !!!!!!! its what he deserves!

on that note, the one thing i think that has stayed with me more than anything is that one fansign note where ck was asked how he wants to be remembered in the future, when they only occasionally thought abt him and his answer was “that i gave you happiness” and not 2 b a sentimental shit but fuck! i cry every time i think abt that!!!!!!! bc i Know there’s gonna come a day where i don’t think abt them at all! there’s gonna be a day where i won’t think abt them until i see something that jogs my memory and jolts me back to this time and even tho this year has been rough i know i always will remember how much happiness they’ve brought me. i’ll remember how they were able to cheer me up when nothing else worked. i hope one day i’ll be able to feel the Pure Joy i felt when they got their first win….i’ve never felt anything like that before. i cant wait to be able to look back in nostalgia at all the happiness they’ve brought me.

anyways that got real sappy towards the end i gotta blast now bye!

[hellomissmabel]

Are you home? (FAMIWL part 5)

MASTERLIST

Based on one of my favourite albums “For a moment, I was lost” by Amber Run.

Pairing: Tony Stark x reader, Howard Stark x OC!Julia

Summary: Flashback to your first time with Tony.

Word count: 3.407 (Sweet baby Jesus!)

Warnings: MAJOR FLUFF AND SMUFF (fluffy smut, thanks to @mrshopkirk who came up with the term!)

A/N: This idea came to me after a feverish night suffering from food poisoning. In me delirium I might’ve come up with the best freaking fic I’ve ever written haha.

Disclaimer: I found these pics on Google, all credit goes to the respectable owners. I just put them together as cover art.

Part 1: Dark Bloom

Part 2: Spark

Part 3: Wastelands

Part 4: White Lie

Speech came easy And left us sane You know the faces But not the names This man inside Alive and unchained Are you home? Are you home?

You were nervous, bloody nervous. All dolled up in an undoubtedly expensive gown, a vintage 1950s off the shoulder deep red dress inspired by none other than Audrey Hepburn, your heels clicked against the oak floor adorning the venue Tony had booked for the MIT alumni ball with himself, of course, as the guest of honour. He was waiting for you at the other end of the red carpet leading you towards the main ball room, dressed to the nines in a three-piece Tom Ford suit, flanked by an equally elegant looking redhead that you’ve seen somewhere before but couldn’t quite put your finger on it, not until she introduced herself as Pepper Potts and asked for your name.

“Y/N,” you answer as confidently as you can muster, intimidated by the woman’s flawless make-up and regal poise, the way she held herself just fascinating to your eyes, like royalty and yet still with a certain humble and kind smile twisting your insides. How could you ever compare to someone like her?

“And you are Tony’s…?,” she asked you with a warm smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. You had almost forgotten that she is, in fact, Tony’s ex-girlfriend.

“She’s my girlfriend,” Tony quipped for you, lacing his arm around your waist and gently tucking you against his side, his fingers burning their way through the exquisite silken fabric of your dress.

“Yeez Tony,” she jokes at him, her eyes shooting from your shy expression to Tony’s beaming appearance. “Isn’t she a bit too young for you? At least she isn’t one of those models again.”

There was a playful tone to her words but there was clearly some hurt shining through as well, her jab towards you not remaining unnoticed, fully aware that you don’t have a size zero and are certainly not as tall as one of the runway models Tony’s been frequently spotted with in the past. But Tony didn’t let it get to him and you felt sorry for Pepper because it was clear to you that she still wasn’t over him and maybe, just maybe, if you were sabotaging yourself, you thought that he still wasn’t quite over her as well.

“Don’t worry, Pepper, she’s over 18,” he smiled and adding a wink on top, guiding you away from Pepper who clearly stood in as his event planner and was thereby glued to her spot the entire evening. You didn’t see nor speak to her anymore yet you couldn’t help but feel guilty over something you had no control over.

The evening went by smoothly if you may say so. Occasionally Tony was pried away from you by another big shot trying to extract some more money from him. Nevertheless, every single time they would come up to him for a business chat and steal him from you, he would peck your cheek first and murmur some sweet nothings into your ear that made you giggle lightly before resuming to the socialising.

It turns out that people were genuinely interested in who you are and what your current occupation was. Especially the MIT students, and not just the ones for whom Tony offered to pay their scholarships for, were intrigued to hear about your line of work. Maybe it’s because you’re not acclimated to the science scene but you were very fascinated by their research just as much as they were curious to find out about your escapades as a former travel journalist and how you stumbled into the life of a novelist.

As it was bound to happen one moment or another, the topic sometimes swung around to how you and Tony met. Since a lot of the attending guests didn’t know that you and Tony were dating, people wished to know more about your relationship even though frankly, you weren’t really sure what you two were up until earlier that same evening when he declared to Pepper that you were now officially to be called his girlfriend. This was your night of coming out as a couple and it thrilled you beyond belief.

You admired Tony throughout his entire presentation, how he easily wrapped the entire audience around his pinkie finger with just a simple one-liner and that self-confident smirk all Stark men seem to possess. Seeing Tony at his best, completely with his head in the game, it made you swell with pride that this beautiful man was yours and no one else’s. Afterwards all the ladies of course started swooning over him and if he had been single, he would’ve undoubtedly charmed their panties off but not tonight. Tonight he only had eyes for one woman and that’s you.

With his hand on the small of your back he showed you the way towards the hotel room he had booked for the night. He wanted this eve’s event to be special, not just because it would be your first time attending a big media event together but also because you had started dropping a few casual hints here and there about your more intimate preferences. Slowly but surely you and Tony had started teasing each other in a more sexual way, a couple clandestine looks here and there had over the course of your still fresh relationship magically transformed into heavy and hot make-out sessions on his lab table or the kitchen island. Not to mention when you first mentioned you might have a thigh riding kink and much to your surprise, he happily indulged your fantasies.

Even though Tony’s used to an excessive amount of female attention and having no trouble talking himself between their legs, he refused to pull any of his tricks on you. If you wanted to wait, he was more than willing to wait as well. He could, one day, see you as his wife and the mother of his children. The thought was new to him because he never for a single second believed he could actually pull it off, you know, being a dad and taking care of a tiny human being. He had been convinced that he’d never be ready for that much responsibility if he can’t even properly take care of himself. But you, you bring out the best in him. That’s why he is so adamant at waiting for the right moment, making it extra special for the both of you.

Because he’s madly in love with you.

Once enclosed in the privacy of your hotel room, your hands immediately fly towards the collar of his dress shirt and pull him in for a loving kiss. Never parting his lips from yours, Tony sheds himself of his dress jacket whilst your fingers make quick work of the buttons of his dress shirt. He reaches out towards the back of your dress, fingertips skimming the soft material before locating the zipper that will allow you to shimmy out of the night gown in seconds. But he refrains himself, breaking the kiss only to look you straight in the eye and ask you if it’s really what you want.

And it’s hard believing In a concrete thing Where you’re not conscious But you begin To learn to love the sickness in your skin Are you home? Are you home?

You’ve never seen Tony more serious than in this moment. Not only is he unsure of himself, he’s also a bit shy. Resting your hands against his now bare chest, allowing the warmth of his skin to soak through your own, it creates a frantic escape of wild butterflies in the pit of your stomach.

“Why don’t we take a shower first?,” you propose with a sweet smile to which his eyes crinkle adorably and a cute little grin exposes his pearly whites.

Taking a hold of his hand and intertwining your fingers with his, you take charge and lead him towards the marble bathroom where a rain shower is awaiting your arrival. When you turn around, a slightly uncomfortable Tony meets your line of sight and you are endeared by his sudden insecurity. Tony still cannot fathom that a woman like you, with soft pink flesh flowing into natural and delicious curves, a woman like you with an actual personality (unlike many other woman who mindlessly throw themselves at him merely for the fame of one night with the notorious Tony Stark) and a heart of gold can love a man like him, a man who deems himself unworthy of love.

Unbeknownst to him, you harbour the same anxieties and as you gently start to tug at his clothes, tenderly undressing the handsome man in front of you, you become painstakingly self-conscious of the love handles and other imperfections you’re sheltering underneath your gorgeous attire. It’s as if Tony can read your thought and he caresses your blushing cheeks with his thumb before brushing his chest against yours and planting a lingering and intimate kiss to your forehead, letting you know you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Looking down at you with a tender gaze, Tony’s lips slant over yours. “You want to go in or should I go first?”

You shake your head, telling him you would like to take the first step. Turning around so he can pull down your zipper more easily, you feel as the fabric falls down your body and pools around your feet. Unhooking your bra whilst still facing Tony with your back, the lacy undergarment follows suit as do your panties, gathering around your ankles and you can hear Tony gasping as he gingerly takes in the sight of your fully naked form. Looking over your shoulder, you see him biting down on his lips hard and with a teasing wink you step towards the shower, letting the water run hot first whilst he swiftly tears the clothes off his body so he can join you as quickly as possible.

When the water has eventually reached the perfect temperature, you allow it to immerse you from tip to toe. Feeling a little cold and alone without Tony, you throw a small peek into his direction, your eyes falling upon an unexpected emptiness. Merely a second later, a sturdy chest is pressed against your back as two arms encase your waist. A thrilling whisper fades into your ear as he acknowledges your beauty, burying his face in the crook of your neck and sighing deeply, inhaling your honey scent and committing it to memory.

There’s no way Tony’s letting you go now.

Swirling around in his arms, you come face to face with Tony who has still not ceased admiring your appearance. Both nude and wet (in more than one way), you make a rash decision and in one bold move, hook your leg around Tony’s so your sensitive folds are now caressing his already half hard length. Your eyes haven’t wandered downwards just yet, afraid of his substantial grandeur. But as his fingers grip the plump flesh of your generous bottom, slightly lifting you closer to his body, you get a pretty good feel of how generously endowed Tony Stark actually is and Jesus Christ, the rumours are true because this man is built like a God.

“Oh Tony,” you whimper as he pushes your back against the wall, one hand still firmly holding the right cheek of your ass as the other cups your face, his lips latching onto that particularly heaven-inducing spot right underneath your jaw. He has started moving softly up and down your soaking cunt, getting as hard as a rock and as stiff as a stick in the process, a couple beads of precum already leaking from the glistening tip.

“Please, fuck me. I’m clean and on the pill. Just please,” you pant against his lips, your arousal the highest it has even been. “Please just fuck me, Tony, fuck me now.”

“This is not how I want our first time to be, baby girl,” he replies in an equally strained and hushed moan. “I want it to be memorable,” he swallows thickly as your hips reply to his sudden jolt forwards, his cock brushing against your clit with a perfect amount of pressure. “I don’t want it to be a quickie in the shower, no matter how tempting the prospect may be.”

Tony insists, despite how loveable your pout and puppy eyes. He reaches for one of the bottles sitting a bit further away in a fancy little box and selects the shower gel, popping the lid open and squeezing a tiny bit of the moisture into his palm. He motions for you to turn around again and as he starts to massage your shoulders, both of you groan at the obvious tension straining your muscles.

When his fingers have finished working away the knots, you return the favour by tending to his temples and making sure he leaves the shower headache free. The past couple days he’s been complaining non-stop about this skull-shattering pain tearing his brains apart and although you suspected it was because of the stress, you also expect it has something to do with his presentation tonight.

I know, know, know, know, know That you’re fighting And I know, know, know, know You’re not hiding anymore And I know, know, know, know, know That you’re trying But are you home? Are you home?

Tony has dedicated so much time to something called B.A.R.F. and just because you didn’t understand much about the concept doesn’t mean you didn’t pick up on the message behind it. With this kind of technology you can hijack the hippocampus and alter traumatic memories, something you’re fairly sure he had developed based on personal experiences. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that Tony Stark has been chased by insurmountable demons for most of his life and you wish that if you could, you would protect him at all costs from similar events.

After you’re both as good as new, Tony gives you a helping hand and wraps you into a towel before taking one for himself. You sigh contentedly at the soft sensation and smile up at Tony who seems to have undergone a transformation of some sorts, judging by the carefree lights dancing in his dark brown eyes. He takes a few steps towards you and right as his lips collapse on top of yours, you swear you can feel the embers explode behind your eyelids like fireworks on the fourth of July.

You squeal as he picks you up bridal style, your legs and arms dangling in excitement. The bed is inviting when he carefully places you on top of the duvet and you assume his next move will be to hover above you but instead he bestows all his attention to the top of your thighs, barely covered by the fabric of the hotel towel.

“Look at you,” he whispers adoringly,” You are Aphrodite.”

His fingertips adorn the marks of cellulite as his lips trace up your veins towards the apex of your thighs, leaving you quivering underneath his scorching hot touch. When you release a breathy moan, his head snaps up and you lock eyes, a sneaky smile tugging at the corners of his lips. He then continues to trace your curves with the tip of his nose until the white fabric loosens around your form and falls limp on the bed, leaving you stark naked in front of, well, Tony Stark.

“Oh God, Tony, no, don’t say that,” you exhale whilst an embarrassed smile accompanies the rush of colour towards your cheeks.

“I only speak the truth,” he retorts, propping himself up on his elbows and seductively quirking an eyebrow, challenging you to object with an equally witty remark.

As words seem to fail you, he levels himself with you until his chiselled body is gingerly pressing down on yours. Carding your fingers through his short black locks, you guide his lips towards yours in a lasting kiss. Fidgeting with Tony’s towel, you manage to shimmy it off from his lower body and once again both your desires meet in a lustful dance of rubbing and stroking. Your hand snakes towards his pulsating shaft pressing up against your pussy and as you palm him softly, an approving sound slips past his lips.

“There’s a condom,” he breathes heavily, “In the nightstand.”

You nod and release him from your affectionate ministrations. Tony’s eager to tear open the package and roll the rubber condom over his proud cock but before he can do so, your hands stop him and take the condom from him, hinting that you’d like to roll it on yourself. Your featherlight touch exhilarates his skin and he’s back on top of you in no time, lining himself up with your entrance.

“If it hurts, you tell me immediately, okay?,” he asks you with a certain stress behind his voice. He is worried about your wellbeing and doesn’t want to hurt you, especially not during your first time.

“Okay,” you mimic in a shaky breath, your nerves starting to flow passionately.

I know, know, know, know, know That you’re fighting And I know, know, know, know You’re not hiding anymore And I know, know, know, know, know That you’re trying But are you home? Are you home?

After giving his cock a couple firm tugs, he gently pushes the tip in, parting your folds first before stretching you out a bit more. You gasp at the overwhelming feel of little Tony (who is anything but little) asking for permission to enter your most personal territory. Giving you enough time to adjust, Tony sheathes himself completely inside you with one more potent yet mild thrust.

“Y/N, you are so tight, I love it,” he moans lowly before kissing the corner of your mouth.

When you don’t reply, his eyes search yours instantly for any signs of discomfort. You’re pleased with yourself that you’re able to take all of him without too much difficulty. Nevertheless it requires some adjustment and it’s as if the struggle if evident on your face because he cradles your cheels in the palms of his hands, whispering a kind and concerned “If this is too much, darling, we don’t have to continue.”

“No, no it’s fine,” you ensure him. “It’s just that… I’m filled up to the brim with Tony Stark’s dick,” you laugh lightly before a more hearty laugh escapes your lips. “I’m about to get fucked by Tony freaking Star who is my freaking boyfriend!”

A bouldering laugh adorns the air when Tony has processed your words, unable to wrap his mind around the fact that you, even though he’s buried balls deep into your cunt squeezing him so lusciously, the only thing you seem to be focused on is that you’re about to have sex with a considerably – okay, scratch that – tremendously famous person.

“Y/N,” he says softly when you’ve calmed down from your abrupt outburst of exhilaration and disbelief. “You’re not about to get fucked by Tony Stark.”

“What?,” you ask in a high-pitched voice. Isn’t that exactly what the point is of this entire endeavour?

“Baby, honey, sweetheart,” he coos fondly with a tiny amount of seduction and sass, “You’re not about to get fucked by Tony Stark.”

He sounds somewhat hurt and you look away from his soulful eyes, unable to bear the honesty reflected in them. “I am not going to fuck you, I am going to make love to you. So tonight, you’re not going to get fucked by Tony Stark. Tonight, you’re going to be loved by your boyfriend who just happens to be Tony Stark because God forbid, I love you. I love you, Y/N.”

For a faint heartbeat, the atmosphere is dead silent and the only thing than can be heard are your laboured breaths as your body melts perfectly into Tony’s, the initial burn ebbing away and making way for a more pleasurable performance of a lover worshipping his muse.

Nothing else is said but those three words, frequenting the tenderness of their unison until the morning seeps through the curtains like a smooth criminal and sheds its light upon their two bodies curled into one another as their act of love has been repeated over the course of many affections and many, many more.

 Tagging: the ever-wonderful @beccaanne814-blog @avengerofyourheart @a-little-hell-to-raise @unpredictable-firecracker @marvelingatthewonder  @mrshopkirk @hardcorehippos @iiharu-kunii @knittingknerdy @winterwolf57 @winterboobaer @shamvictoria11 @thedragonblood @hymnofthevalkyries @feelmyroarrrr @justareader @ourpeachskies @austinamelio @howlingbarnes @4theluvofall  @themcuhasruinedme @theoneandonlysaucymo @hymnofthevalkyries @amrita31199 @kiwi71281 @jaegers-and-kaijus @katbird787 @spaceprincessofmanygalaxies @marvel-lucy @volklana

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Kasey Edwards: I love being married, but am I the exception?

The author asks happy couples the secret of their success and is shocked by what she finds out

I was never going to get married. After bearing witness to my parents three decades of misery, I was not stupid enough to do it myself. When my father left my mother for a younger woman, I conducted my own little investigation into married life. I asked all my parents friends to give me an honest account of their marriages and explain why they were still together. I suspect the little girl in me, who grew up with fairytales and happily-ever-afters, was hoping to prove the older, more cynical me wrong.

No such luck.

The happiest couple of my parents acquaintance told me that the reason they were still married was that they had too much to lose if they separated. I was asking about their relationship, expecting to hear about love, companionship and soulmates. Instead, I got a costbenefit analysis. My best-case marriage scenario sounded as romantic and desirable as crunching numbers in an Excel spreadsheet every day until you die.

Naturally, when I started IVF and my friend Stephen asked if I was going to get married, I laughed at him. I was so amused by the suggestion that I called Chris, my boyfriend and the potential father of my children, to share the joke.

Chris didnt laugh. There was silence on the other end of the phone. I asked him: You dont you dont actually you know want to get married, do you?

Well, yes, actually I do, he said.

Why?

Because I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you, he replied.

Oh.

Six months later, we were married in the same church where Chriss parents were married 40 years earlier. Im still not entirely sure why I did it. The day we returned home after the wedding, I was so freaked out by the idea of having a husband that I wanted to go over to my best friends house and sleep on her couch.

For ever.

Eight years later, I still choke on the word husband. When I was talking to my daughter Violets teacher about picking her up early from school for a medical appointment, I couldnt quite bring myself to even say the word husband.

I stuttered over hu hu hu , and then, feeling embarrassed at my own stupidity, I finished with: Violets father.

Kasey Edwards with her husband Chris and their daughter Violet. Photograph: Joe Castro for the Guardian

Oh, I understand, said the teacher, who clearly took my awkwardness to mean that Chris and I had recently separated.

So now Chris and I are in the ridiculous position of having to perform marriage to correct the teachers assumption. At a recent parentteacher conference I told Chris that we had to act like we were married.

He laughed. What are you talking about? We are married.

Yes, we are. And to my complete surprise, I actually like it. In fact, I love being married. I love the sense of security that I have never felt before, I love that I can always count on Chris to be in my corner, and know I will always be in his. I love what we have built together: that we are much more than than the sum of two halves.

Having said that, Im still waiting for it all to turn to shit.

I know of very few couples who have stayed together through multiple life stages and still like each other. Not love, but like. Maintaining the like seems to be harder.

Even when I do see couples who appear happy, I have a hard time believing it. As research in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin tells us, people who post their loved-up pics and declarations of love on Facebook are less likely to be secure in their relationships than those who dont. They are essentially manufacturing their relationship happiness to convince other people, as well as themselves, of their partners #affection.

I genuinely believe Chris and I have maintained our like for each other throughout infertility, mental illness, trauma and heartbreaks, two children and two career changes because we see each other as partners in every sense of the word. He has never tried to force me into the role of housekeeper, primary carer, on-demand sex toy with a pulse, or support staff.

When my first book came out, I lost count of how many people asked me how Chris was coping with my success. Chriss ego was not threatened by my moment in the spotlight. Not only was he proud of my success, he was also part of it. It was our success. But I think this question reveals a lot about the power dynamics in many marriages and points to why it is so easy to lose the like.

I am not the woman behind the man, nor am I the woman in front of him. I am the woman next to my man.

I feel genuinely lucky that I look forward to Chris walking through the door each night. I have friends who dread spending time with their husbands; who wish their husbands would travel more because their lives are easier when they are not around.

Two of my friends have admitted that they plan to leave their husbands in the future. And several others have said enough to make me think they are contemplating it.

My friends arent alone. According to a study of 2,000 married parents in Britain, 18% of them have a date in mind for when they will leave their partner.

The research, commissioned by the family law firm Irwin Mitchell, which presumably considers a spike in the divorce rate to be good for business, found that one in 20 married parents has picked a date 10 or more years into the future on which to change the locks. Of those who have already divorced a partner, almost eight out of 10 regretted putting it off as long as they did.

Why do unhappy couples stay together, some resigning themselves to more than a decade of discontent before cutting their losses?

The romantic view is that couples want to work at things and see if they can learn to fall in love again. But the research suggests that the optimists view is, well, optimistic.

The real reasons for staying together make you wonder if anything has really changed since the days when marriage was considered a good way to increase ones estate.

Five of the top 10 reasons for postponing divorce were financial, including what my parents friends had told me: I have too much to lose.

The other financial reasons were: I cant afford to move out, I cant afford a divorce, For my partners money, and We have too many shared financial assets.

The second-biggest reason for soldiering on, however, was to save the children the distress of a broken home. Staying together for the kids was why one in four couples put off that trip to the offices of Bicker & Bicker.

Parents like this use a range of strategies to disguise their unhappiness and their plans for an eventual exit. They argue in a different room, away from the children; they sleep in the same bed to maintain the pretence; they even make a point of kissing and cuddling and going on date nights.

As a child of divorced parents, Im in two minds as to whether staying together for the kids is a good idea. I dont know how I would have handled my parents divorce if I had been younger but I do know that their efforts to maintain appearances gave me quite a warped view of marriage.

I had always assumed that the reality was a harmonious public appearance and an ice-cold, passive-aggressive private life.

My first two serious relationships could be characterised by screaming matches, eye rolls and meanness. It didnt occur to me that this was problematic because that was my understanding of what relationships were. It terrifies me how easily I could have ended up marrying either of those partners.

It wasnt until I met my third boyfriend, who treated me with kindness and respect inside the house as well as out, that I realised this sort of relationship was even possible, let alone the very least I should expect.

From the outside looking in, you would have thought my mother and father were happily married, too. When people saw them holding hands, they used to comment that I was lucky to have parents who still loved each other.

When they did finally divorce, and I was in my late 20s, it came as a complete shock. I was crushed when my dad told me he had wasted 30 years of his life. Not only did it make my entire childhood a farce: it made me feel responsible for my parents unhappiness.

I would never have wanted my parents to endure three decades of misery because of me. And even though I didnt make that decision for them, I often feel the brunt of my fathers resentment for it.

Im not about to tell my friends to rethink their decision to stay together for their kids, but I do think that sacrificing your own happiness for someone else rarely turns out well in the long run.

This is an extract from Guilt Trip: My Quest to Leave the Baggage Behind by Kasey Edwards (Nero). kaseyedwards.com

Read more: http://ift.tt/2v7HydW

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Kasey Edwards: I love being married, but am I the exception?

The author asks happy couples the secret of their success and is shocked by what she finds out

I was never going to get married. After bearing witness to my parents three decades of misery, I was not stupid enough to do it myself. When my father left my mother for a younger woman, I conducted my own little investigation into married life. I asked all my parents friends to give me an honest account of their marriages and explain why they were still together. I suspect the little girl in me, who grew up with fairytales and happily-ever-afters, was hoping to prove the older, more cynical me wrong.

No such luck.

The happiest couple of my parents acquaintance told me that the reason they were still married was that they had too much to lose if they separated. I was asking about their relationship, expecting to hear about love, companionship and soulmates. Instead, I got a costbenefit analysis. My best-case marriage scenario sounded as romantic and desirable as crunching numbers in an Excel spreadsheet every day until you die.

Naturally, when I started IVF and my friend Stephen asked if I was going to get married, I laughed at him. I was so amused by the suggestion that I called Chris, my boyfriend and the potential father of my children, to share the joke.

Chris didnt laugh. There was silence on the other end of the phone. I asked him: You dont you dont actually you know want to get married, do you?

Well, yes, actually I do, he said.

Why?

Because I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you, he replied.

Oh.

Six months later, we were married in the same church where Chriss parents were married 40 years earlier. Im still not entirely sure why I did it. The day we returned home after the wedding, I was so freaked out by the idea of having a husband that I wanted to go over to my best friends house and sleep on her couch.

For ever.

Eight years later, I still choke on the word husband. When I was talking to my daughter Violets teacher about picking her up early from school for a medical appointment, I couldnt quite bring myself to even say the word husband.

I stuttered over hu hu hu , and then, feeling embarrassed at my own stupidity, I finished with: Violets father.

Kasey Edwards with her husband Chris and their daughter Violet. Photograph: Joe Castro for the Guardian

Oh, I understand, said the teacher, who clearly took my awkwardness to mean that Chris and I had recently separated.

So now Chris and I are in the ridiculous position of having to perform marriage to correct the teachers assumption. At a recent parentteacher conference I told Chris that we had to act like we were married.

He laughed. What are you talking about? We are married.

Yes, we are. And to my complete surprise, I actually like it. In fact, I love being married. I love the sense of security that I have never felt before, I love that I can always count on Chris to be in my corner, and know I will always be in his. I love what we have built together: that we are much more than than the sum of two halves.

Having said that, Im still waiting for it all to turn to shit.

I know of very few couples who have stayed together through multiple life stages and still like each other. Not love, but like. Maintaining the like seems to be harder.

Even when I do see couples who appear happy, I have a hard time believing it. As research in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin tells us, people who post their loved-up pics and declarations of love on Facebook are less likely to be secure in their relationships than those who dont. They are essentially manufacturing their relationship happiness to convince other people, as well as themselves, of their partners #affection.

I genuinely believe Chris and I have maintained our like for each other throughout infertility, mental illness, trauma and heartbreaks, two children and two career changes because we see each other as partners in every sense of the word. He has never tried to force me into the role of housekeeper, primary carer, on-demand sex toy with a pulse, or support staff.

When my first book came out, I lost count of how many people asked me how Chris was coping with my success. Chriss ego was not threatened by my moment in the spotlight. Not only was he proud of my success, he was also part of it. It was our success. But I think this question reveals a lot about the power dynamics in many marriages and points to why it is so easy to lose the like.

I am not the woman behind the man, nor am I the woman in front of him. I am the woman next to my man.

I feel genuinely lucky that I look forward to Chris walking through the door each night. I have friends who dread spending time with their husbands; who wish their husbands would travel more because their lives are easier when they are not around.

Two of my friends have admitted that they plan to leave their husbands in the future. And several others have said enough to make me think they are contemplating it.

My friends arent alone. According to a study of 2,000 married parents in Britain, 18% of them have a date in mind for when they will leave their partner.

The research, commissioned by the family law firm Irwin Mitchell, which presumably considers a spike in the divorce rate to be good for business, found that one in 20 married parents has picked a date 10 or more years into the future on which to change the locks. Of those who have already divorced a partner, almost eight out of 10 regretted putting it off as long as they did.

Why do unhappy couples stay together, some resigning themselves to more than a decade of discontent before cutting their losses?

The romantic view is that couples want to work at things and see if they can learn to fall in love again. But the research suggests that the optimists view is, well, optimistic.

The real reasons for staying together make you wonder if anything has really changed since the days when marriage was considered a good way to increase ones estate.

Five of the top 10 reasons for postponing divorce were financial, including what my parents friends had told me: I have too much to lose.

The other financial reasons were: I cant afford to move out, I cant afford a divorce, For my partners money, and We have too many shared financial assets.

The second-biggest reason for soldiering on, however, was to save the children the distress of a broken home. Staying together for the kids was why one in four couples put off that trip to the offices of Bicker & Bicker.

Parents like this use a range of strategies to disguise their unhappiness and their plans for an eventual exit. They argue in a different room, away from the children; they sleep in the same bed to maintain the pretence; they even make a point of kissing and cuddling and going on date nights.

As a child of divorced parents, Im in two minds as to whether staying together for the kids is a good idea. I dont know how I would have handled my parents divorce if I had been younger but I do know that their efforts to maintain appearances gave me quite a warped view of marriage.

I had always assumed that the reality was a harmonious public appearance and an ice-cold, passive-aggressive private life.

My first two serious relationships could be characterised by screaming matches, eye rolls and meanness. It didnt occur to me that this was problematic because that was my understanding of what relationships were. It terrifies me how easily I could have ended up marrying either of those partners.

It wasnt until I met my third boyfriend, who treated me with kindness and respect inside the house as well as out, that I realised this sort of relationship was even possible, let alone the very least I should expect.

From the outside looking in, you would have thought my mother and father were happily married, too. When people saw them holding hands, they used to comment that I was lucky to have parents who still loved each other.

When they did finally divorce, and I was in my late 20s, it came as a complete shock. I was crushed when my dad told me he had wasted 30 years of his life. Not only did it make my entire childhood a farce: it made me feel responsible for my parents unhappiness.

I would never have wanted my parents to endure three decades of misery because of me. And even though I didnt make that decision for them, I often feel the brunt of my fathers resentment for it.

Im not about to tell my friends to rethink their decision to stay together for their kids, but I do think that sacrificing your own happiness for someone else rarely turns out well in the long run.

This is an extract from Guilt Trip: My Quest to Leave the Baggage Behind by Kasey Edwards (Nero). kaseyedwards.com

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